Chasing the Dream

There are some interesting and famous quips about motivation.  It is probably one of the things I struggle with the most.       I have located another school:  Academy of Art University in San Francisco, California (specifically).  This school particularly has the degree I am seeking – Game Design.  Video games have been such an integral role in my life, especially my childhood.  They got me through a lot of hard times, helped me learn new concepts and think in more abstract ways.  I wanted to return that joy, that much needed escapism.  So naturally I grew to want to be a part of the entertainment, the beautiful world that I once explored with my senses through the push of a joystick, crisp cinematic musical therapy swimming in my ears.  When I was engaged, my partner and I had made decisions that pushed me onto a different career path that would definitely help me make a lot of money.  And now that I was let loose, I swam in guilt for about two years about changing my mind.  I had told my mother, all my friends, that I was going to be an engineer, I was going to do this money-making this or money making that.  But I… my heart… doesn’t feel that way anymore.  Although the game industry seems cruel (from all the horror stories I have read) it is something I want to do.

Because I have always wanted to do it.  Oh!  I haven’t said what it was exactly I wanted to do:  I want to do the art for the characters and environments.  And to be honest, I don’t want to be restricted to games.  After all, would it not be equally as awesome to be one of the artists for the clips in the Player’s and Monster’s Manuals for Dungeons and Dragons?  : 3  I dream of being an artist, really, and although I know that probably won’t bring me a lot of money I feel it will bring the most satisfaction to my life.

I have fears.  Fears like if I keep going this route I will out the one person in my life I have a chance to be happy with in a relationship.  But in my heart, I hear that if it is meant to be, he will follow me into my dream, and I will lead him to his.  And that is what will bring me the most happiness.

But back to what really started this, this ill mode of motivation, I have found that the school I am currently attending in my Biology major which I really don’t wish to do anymore.  And this is causing a lot of trouble…  Because I don’t attend class anymore.  Why would I?  I feel guilty, yes.  And I don’t completely drop out because of promises.  Promises that are pretty bogus.  But the guilt.  It’s hard for me to feel motivated because I realize that that is not my true dream.  And so, next semester, I am going to try and attend the online school for above mentioned for Game Design with a really hard core art focus (is that even possible for me to be an artsy person?).  I am excited, and nervous.  Actually anxious is more like it because… after my lease is up in May, I plan on moving. I’ve told myself to keep gaining more and more reasons to chance moving in with M and renting out the basement in his parent’s basement (who like me now) in California and start to slowly move my way into San Francisco while working and going to school online for all semesters possible.  I think I will have enough money to do that.

I’ll get to let myself change.  I’ll get to let myself move on just enough from situations here that I am too close to.  I’ll get to be moving to a larger city, a different place, and I get to finally let myself grow up a lot more.  What stops me form leaving now?  Because I want to enjoy the time I have left with my friends here.


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