College Dropout

Ouch, even typing that made me feel terrible.

It’s a shame really – I feel so guilty for wanting to drop out.  It would be the second time and I never fixed what was the problem in the first place:  me.  That makes it sound really negative.  At this point in my life I don’t think I am ready for college and the commitment it holds.  Never mind the fact that I’ve spent about 6 semesters in, am a junior, and switched majors several times.  What sticks out is that I’ve felt the same:  I never wanted to go.  Not only that, I dragged myself through five of those semesters and though I did pretty good in the beginning, there’s not enough heart for me to continue on.  If I could recommend anything to myself it’d come with this icky word called Discipline.  Which I’m lacking.

Since I was a child, if I didn’t want to do something I didn’t do it.  That’s pretty true as an “adult” now (geez, I’m only 22) but I still get up and do chores because it’s become important to me.  College hasn’t been any different.  I feel pressured to get a degree – but in what?  I have no idea.  I’m not ready to decide because I want to do so many things right now.  Like write, and draw.  Actually, I’ve been wanting to do both those things for a long time and I don’t necessarily need a degree for either of them.  I guess it’d help but they are personal and are not helped by spending myself into debt.

So far my motivations are a cumulation of several things:

– money

– desire

– focus

– discipline

I don’t think I am a terrible person, but emotionally I feel like a traitor.  Like a rebel who’s throwing the bird to the people I care about and care about me.  I’m not saying college is a bad investment; just for me.  I thought that if I took some time off I would realign myself and all I noticed while I wasn’t at school was that I had a lot of free time.  That somehow, was ridiculously frightening.  All that time and what did I do?  I slept a lot, dollied around.  I honestly can’t remember too much of it.  But I only got depressed with myself because I realized that I wasn’t being productive.  Actually my heart hurts because I actually like my professors.  I don’t want to let them down.  But I also want my reason for going to school to come from within me, not the people around me.  As much as some people might look down on me for dropping out there are some things I’d much rather be doing.

Spend your days doing things you love.  Be productive in your generosity and help others as much as possible.  Take breaks.  Stand by your decisions (which is kind of tough for me on this college biz).  Be able to remind yourself of the value of your investments and know when it is time to pull out.

Good luck to you all.

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