Last night I had a most peculiar dream: I’d arrived at work in hours we don’t keep with a full-team awaiting me. We were prepping the store for customers on this cold, December night with a fresh layer of snow awaiting the prancing of our feet. As their supervisor, sleepy and barely there, I directed my crew and looked over some troublesome foodstuffs that seemed to be spoiled. However, I noticed that I lacked a proper uniform and without license and car I’d have no way to make it to my apartment and back in time to open the store. Looking through my crew members I’d asked an employee who I wish I could have left to manage the store in my place but she was the only one I trusted.
Time seemed to pass suddenly. I had somehow made it back and without any real indication of why or how I had come there. Wasn’t I to be at work? I looked over and a good friend I once had romantic inclinations towards shuffled uncomfortably. That’s an understatement – he was upset: it emanated from his shifting posture. My head was hazy, like I was constantly falling in and out of sleep and I simply asked him, “What is wrong?” His words were not something I heard, they were something I saw: a scrolling text of characters full of meaning.
“I don’t want to do this by myself.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to be a single parent.” It hit me. And yet, there was little comfort to offer. On cue, it began. The bleeding. It was the soft sound of snow falling – barely audible. Waterfalls of blood seeped from my nose and I became faint. “Please.” I don’t remember what happened after that. My last thoughts were of sorrow, of regret. That winter I had been diagnosed with cancer and a massive tumor was pressing on my brain which sometimes led to these sessions of bloodletting. Like it were trying to relieve some of the pressure. It was so white in my head that I could only apologize minimally, over and over, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to go.”
Almost two months pregnant.
I suppose it is not unnatural to find some meaning in your dreams. Or to at least want to. People might say that there is no meaning, the science behind dreaming is unconfirmed. It changes and rolls around and at this point, what do you really have to lose in believing something?
Dreams, I have always believed, can be something a little more. There could be patterns of thought – do you find yourself in loop doing something over and over and getting the same result? Are you doing that in life? Are you constantly chasing things that you’ve chased in the past hoping something else will happen? There could be strong emotions, attitudes felt or displayed in dreams – are you often angry? Sick? Frustrated? In pain? Numb? Do you find yourself expressing certain opinions? If you feel strongly about the environment do you perhaps dream that you are a defender of it? There could simply be the presence of something or someone. Many things can happen and it’s all up to you, if you want, to find anything deeper than the experience of having that dream. When I have nightmares, I try my hardest to remember what it was that triggered it. Was it something I watched, read, or imagined? Nightmares are some of the most powerful dreams and can help guide us to learn what might ail us and our thoughts.
I trust in my dreams to help me recenter myself.
For the above dreams, I know part of it stems from accepting my role as a manager as well as a display of a fear I have: staying here in this town. Becoming pregnant with a child would limit my mobility if it was with a certain person. Not only that, the implication is strong is that there is now a commitment with them that I do not want to take place (though I once did). Being sick in my dream is also another terrible fear exploited by imagination – I’ve prayed to one day have a child and to think that I might not have one or not have the ability to care for or witness my child’s life is devastating. To leave loved ones behind because I fell sick. My health is not in the best condition at the moment so it is natural for something like this to show up in my dreams. However, I never expected to feel it so fully.
Nothing quite like having thoughts reflected back at you.