All posts by Gweynavere

About Gweynavere

Chatter.

Sent Home

A post after a long while.

It’s almost like writing a long overdue letter to a friend you forgot to keep contact with.

Today I wanted to talk about something a bit mundane.  I was sent home, deemed too sick to work.  Maybe it’s a cold, maybe it’s the flu (hope not, bet not) but either way, too sick to look healthy.  Currently I work at a Papa Murphys – one of those food chain stores.  Every day, all day, I am knees deep in food.  Unwrapping it, cutting, dicing, chopping, toting, storing and slathering and lathering it onto pizzas for moms to take home, it’s there all around me.  So fair, probably shouldn’t be at work.  No one is at fault truly.  Getting sent home so I don’t contaminate my coworkers or any foodstuffs is a safe call.  Plus I most definitely needed the rest.  What really bugs me… is that I need all the hours I am scheduled for.  Don’t you?

I am 23 now.  Huh.

23 and living in an apartment that rents out for $475 split with one roommate, a slight older.  It is nice, modest and the most affordable we have.  I pay roughly $237.50.  My half of utilities come roughly around $70 – $100 (including my internet bill).  Phone is around $70 (coming soon!) and the real killer is my student loan bill totaling $214 -ish every month.

My job is lovely.  At my 35 hours, I work just slightly more than I want, mornings from 8-3, 5 days a week.  Weekends are mine unless otherwise asked and I get paid $10/hour.  Which is more than I can say for some other people I know.  It gets me by.  There’s even this wonderful new ability I acquired called saving that is quickly building back up my savings account.

And it all works as long as I labor.

This month marks the first day that I actually have health insurance as per the law.  Which is nice.  Not noted above but noted now for this simple revelation: jobs that come with benefits are valuable.  Silly me, I didn’t comprehend that.  It really took me having to afford health insurance on my own in order to drive that fact into my head.  And it took over.  It replicated many, many times in my brain.  Having sick days, paid vacations, retirement plans built into your jobs, insurance, and on and on are all precious.  Perhaps you might not think so, perhaps you are better off.  But these offers are things that tend to be exclusively offered to full-time positions.

Which is where I finally come back around – I’m only a part-timer.  Problems ensue.  Still sick, still recovering but able to finally work after two days.  Those hours I missed are valuable.

But I am not alone.

 

On Dreams

Last night I had a most peculiar dream:  I’d arrived at work in hours we don’t keep with a full-team awaiting me.  We were prepping the store for customers on this cold, December night with a fresh layer of snow awaiting the prancing of our feet.  As their supervisor, sleepy and barely there, I directed my crew and looked over some troublesome foodstuffs that seemed to be spoiled.  However, I noticed that I lacked a proper uniform and without license and car I’d have no way to make it to my apartment and back in time to open the store.  Looking through my crew members I’d asked an employee who I wish I could have left to manage the store in my place but she was the only one I trusted.

Time seemed to pass suddenly.  I had somehow made it back and without any real indication of why or how I had come there.  Wasn’t I to be at work?  I looked over and a good friend I once had romantic inclinations towards shuffled uncomfortably.  That’s an understatement – he was upset:  it emanated from his shifting posture.  My head was hazy, like I was constantly falling in and out of sleep and I simply asked him, “What is wrong?”  His words were not something I heard, they were something I saw:  a scrolling text of characters full of meaning.

“I don’t want to do this by myself.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to be a single parent.”  It hit me.  And yet, there was little comfort to offer.  On cue, it began.  The bleeding.  It was the soft sound of snow falling – barely audible.  Waterfalls of blood seeped from my nose and I became faint.  “Please.”  I don’t remember what happened after that.  My last thoughts were of sorrow, of regret.  That winter I had been diagnosed with cancer and a massive tumor was pressing on my brain which sometimes led to these sessions of bloodletting.  Like it were trying to relieve some of the pressure.  It was so white in my head that I could only apologize minimally, over and over, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to go.”

Almost two months pregnant.


I suppose it is not unnatural to find some meaning in your dreams.  Or to at least want to. People might say that there is no meaning, the science behind dreaming is unconfirmed.  It changes and rolls around and at this point, what do you really have to lose in believing something?

Dreams, I have always believed, can be something a little more.  There could be patterns of thought – do you find yourself in loop doing something over and over and getting the same result?  Are you doing that in life?  Are you constantly chasing things that you’ve chased in the past hoping something else will happen?  There could be strong emotions, attitudes felt or displayed in dreams – are you often angry? Sick?  Frustrated?  In pain?  Numb?  Do you find yourself expressing certain opinions?  If you feel strongly about the environment do you perhaps dream that you are a defender of it?  There could simply be the presence of something or someone.  Many things can happen and it’s all up to you, if you want, to find anything deeper than the experience of having that dream.  When I have nightmares, I try my hardest to remember what it was that triggered it.  Was it something I watched, read, or imagined?  Nightmares are some of the most powerful dreams and can help guide us to learn what might ail us and our thoughts.

I trust in my dreams to help me recenter myself.

For the above dreams, I know part of it stems from accepting my role as a manager as well as a display of a fear I have:  staying here in this town.  Becoming pregnant with a child would limit my mobility if it was with a certain person.  Not only that, the implication is strong is that there is now a commitment with them that I do not want to take place (though I once did).  Being sick in my dream is also another terrible fear exploited by imagination – I’ve prayed to one day have a child and to think that I might not have one or not have the ability to care for or witness my child’s life is devastating.  To leave loved ones behind because I fell sick.  My health is not in the best condition at the moment so it is natural for something like this to show up in my dreams.  However, I never expected to feel it so fully.

Nothing quite like having thoughts reflected back at you.

When Friends are in Pain

It’s odd how secure I feel in my feelings and a friend’s (heartrending) break-up really put things into perspective:

I looked on, and as I looked on my heart felt a pang of numbness it hadn’t felt in such a long time.  I looked on and felt an old depression sink into my bones and the world was gray again.  Bitter memories fluttered by and every little emotion I’d felt after my own break-up resurfaced, condensed down into mere moments.  Emerging once more, embracing them with every bit of understanding I had accumulated, I prayed:  Please help my friend find guidance.  Please help them find strength to linger on long enough to rediscover the worth of life.

It was rough and we’re still not completely in the clear.  However, I sense it now, energy is being released unlike before.  Piecemeal, it’s finally starting to dissipate.  My friend was in pain, they suffered and didn’t know how to find solace, comfort and release.  There’s always that initial phase of going back, trying to reclaim what was lost – it ripped them apart.  Too many what-ifs, too many questions and not enough closure.  There’s nothing I can do but watch on in silence, be that witness, and reaffirm things that I’ve always known to be true:  “It’s ohk to cry”, “You’re a good person, you’re just lost”.  “You’re going to feel like dying over and over,” I text them.  It’s easier than having them show me their face.  They don’t want to be seen – very few people get to see someone so raw and vulnerable and I can’t be mad.  “It’s going to suck for a long time,” I continue, praying my words give solidarity, “but it’ll end.”  Outside of the numerous texts, I let them talk.  I let them tell me anything and press my ears for the flyby phrases and words that are inevitably muttered.  I spend as much time, distract them and hold and remind them:  you’re going to feel alone, but I am here.

I did everything I could remember wanting when I was in pain and felt like there was nothing left.  I did my best to be that person I needed most:  simply there and willing to hold me, listen on without judgement and to reel me back even if it meant I’d hate them for seeing my weakness and through my intentions.  That is the best route one can take in comforting a friend.  You talk and you try to mitigate those negative thoughts that spin endlessly in their minds.  You understand that emotions, especially love, can boil your mind in madness and leave you far less than rational.  You do your best to rewrite those beliefs, compassionately, but honestly and mindfully.  Always remember:  this isn’t about you, it’s about them and what they need.

Take care of one another.

Financial Aid After Dropping Out

Heads up guys!

So, fun story, last semester I signed up for classes for Spring 2015.  Even though I had already decided to drop out (again) at the time I was so invigorated by the idea that maybe I just need to stick to it!  Which sort of backfired on me as I instantly felt regret when I confirmed my attendance as well.  Please don’t be like me and forget that you did until the last moment when suddenly, school is around the corner.  I walked in, trying to be brave, and had to physically unregister from the semester.  Oddly enough, this was painless part.  Until they asked me to go to the Student Success Center and have an interview.  Why?!

The secretary was nice enough and slid me this blue sheet which I used to perform a self-interview on why I was dropping out.  That wasn’t hard, and I did make light of the situation in a way by responding, “If I had wanted it more then maybe I wouldn’t have been more motivated to stay,” to “… is there anything the individual, or the school, could have done to…” to basically say otherwise.  Ye-yuh for bad break-up replies.  Hopefully that doesn’t come back to bite me.  Goodness, please no.

>> >>

3rd day of the semester for the students.  I receive a letter as I am literally walking out to pick up my laundry downstairs.  It is from my old uni and about the refund I got several days ago (almost a week).  Apparently I’ve no claim to it and they would like their money back.  Not going to lie, I was a little dumbstruck.  A lot of questions ran through my mind: for example, why did they give me the refund in the first place?  Why don’t I have any claim?  And so on.  Like rage mashing a button for the anger welling up inside me.  Mostly because I had already spent the money on bills, paying off some of my debts, and taking a generous portion to donate into my savings because I need an emergency fund.  Everyone needs an emergency fund.

Thankfully I sorted it out (had to call in some aid from my parents).  This is what I am advising all dropouts make sure is done:

– please talk to Financial Aid, especially if you pulled out loans.  Should be a no-brainer but eh…

– make sure you are officially unregistered

– DO NOT TOUCH THE REFUND

– seek counseling if you need it.  Hard and unpleasant business, leaves you muddy feeling.

Short, simple.  Get it done.  Unlike me who waited forever.  Make sure you are up to date on all school charges.  It can be bull, and it won’t be fun but reward yourself.  Like by eating chocolate.  Lots of chocolate…

P.S.  With all this debt and managing money, doesn’t it seem like that if you could drop your current identity and all debt attached to it seem a lot easier?

College Dropout

Ouch, even typing that made me feel terrible.

It’s a shame really – I feel so guilty for wanting to drop out.  It would be the second time and I never fixed what was the problem in the first place:  me.  That makes it sound really negative.  At this point in my life I don’t think I am ready for college and the commitment it holds.  Never mind the fact that I’ve spent about 6 semesters in, am a junior, and switched majors several times.  What sticks out is that I’ve felt the same:  I never wanted to go.  Not only that, I dragged myself through five of those semesters and though I did pretty good in the beginning, there’s not enough heart for me to continue on.  If I could recommend anything to myself it’d come with this icky word called Discipline.  Which I’m lacking.

Since I was a child, if I didn’t want to do something I didn’t do it.  That’s pretty true as an “adult” now (geez, I’m only 22) but I still get up and do chores because it’s become important to me.  College hasn’t been any different.  I feel pressured to get a degree – but in what?  I have no idea.  I’m not ready to decide because I want to do so many things right now.  Like write, and draw.  Actually, I’ve been wanting to do both those things for a long time and I don’t necessarily need a degree for either of them.  I guess it’d help but they are personal and are not helped by spending myself into debt.

So far my motivations are a cumulation of several things:

– money

– desire

– focus

– discipline

I don’t think I am a terrible person, but emotionally I feel like a traitor.  Like a rebel who’s throwing the bird to the people I care about and care about me.  I’m not saying college is a bad investment; just for me.  I thought that if I took some time off I would realign myself and all I noticed while I wasn’t at school was that I had a lot of free time.  That somehow, was ridiculously frightening.  All that time and what did I do?  I slept a lot, dollied around.  I honestly can’t remember too much of it.  But I only got depressed with myself because I realized that I wasn’t being productive.  Actually my heart hurts because I actually like my professors.  I don’t want to let them down.  But I also want my reason for going to school to come from within me, not the people around me.  As much as some people might look down on me for dropping out there are some things I’d much rather be doing.

Spend your days doing things you love.  Be productive in your generosity and help others as much as possible.  Take breaks.  Stand by your decisions (which is kind of tough for me on this college biz).  Be able to remind yourself of the value of your investments and know when it is time to pull out.

Good luck to you all.

Once a Fan, Always?

REcently I’ve been imbibing in a favorite draught:  horror games.  Specifically games from the survival horror genre.  When I was a child, quite literally a child, my family actually bonded over Resident Evil (the remake on the Game Cube).  We would watch my father play (because my mother and brother and I didn’t have the nerves) and help him with the puzzles (we liked to think).  I hadn’t thought much about it because well… it pretty much rolled down the cliff with 4 and exploded at the bottom of the canyon with 5.  And not much else was said about it.

Now that I am ridiculously overstressed – how the hell did I think I could go to college? – I decided to slump down and mindlessly watch some playtthroughs of Resident Evil.  It cheered me up some.  It was enchanting and mesmerizing.  Loving every little bit I consumed videos until I finished 1 and 2 and remembered, “Hey, whatever happened to that fanfic I wrote based on the series?”  Oh yes.  I am one of those.  Perhaps not as dedicated but better punctuated and written (did anyone else see the angst teen takeover?) but I collected a butt-ton of information.  Like, I wrote down the serial names of the monsters that Umbrella had specifically engineered and cross-referenced their methods and made a “lineage” chart of the viruses starting with Progenitor all the way down to what became the C-virus. I tracked all of Wesker’s movements (because he was the love of my life) and made a superior time-line so that I would be true to the series and even went so far as to read in-game files on all the research, notes, and etc for the sake of accuracy.  Obsessed probably didn’t cut it when I was in the thick of all those words.

Seeing those videos made me feel like writing again.  I don’t know if I ever will pick up that series again but it makes me smile just a little bit to know that I was such a crazy kid.  Well, still am.  Even after all this time, still a fan, still a fan.  Some feelings never really go away?

Moving Out Is a Pain

Slumbering through school at the moment, my mood is getting the drop on me while I pour over the apartment listings.  Weirdly enough, I don’t have too many options for one bedroom apartments or studios.  I did try to move out in the middle of winter.  Also tried to apply to an income based housing complex – turned down because my dad claimed me as a dependent on his taxes last year.  Ouch.  Like, seriously, that’s not cool!

Already told my roommate when I was planning on moving out and everything was sorted until really, two weeks ago when both our plans failed. Miserably.  They just jumped off the cliff of awesomeness and swan-dived into the pit of despair.  So I sat my roommate down and told him what was up with me and that I’ll probably be around.  I also told him I’m not going to just straight up ditch him – cause that’s a b*tch-*ss move and I still value our friendship.  He was thankful, we broke bread (essentially) and everything is pretty much at a standstill until then.

Guess I have time to save more money and get some other things aligned?  Found out my moms are buying me some furniture for my new apartment (something I was looking forward to until I realized I’m pretty broke).  TTOTT Bless their souls!  For the most part, there are a lot of good things about moving out later versus now.

– I have a place to live

– I’m taking a photo class; my roommate graduated with a MCOM degree with an emphasis in Photography

– Time to save

– Could possibly be decent at driving with some practice

– Summer might mean more available apartments?

In the end, we’ll shall soon find out.

Rules of Courtesy for Roommates

Condom packages on dining room table.  One used, empty.  The other still waiting.  Flour all over the kitchen counters, sink full of dishes and apartment air muggy.  Coffee table with dirty dishes, one plate with food still on it and two cups.

Here are some rules to help you and your roommate get along:

1)  Communicate:  when a problem arises, nip it in the bud and take care of it then and there.  The longer someone goes without speaking the more habitual and OK it becomes.  Listen to one another and find a good middle ground or compromise.

2)  Respect your roommate:  you are sharing a living space so ample amounts of respect needs to be had on both sides.

A)  If you make a mess, clean it up ASAP

B)  If you’re roommate’s sleeping and it is within their normal sleeping range, be quiet.

C)  Do not eat their food unless you’ve been given permission or have an arrangement set up beforehand.  If

     they have offered you some of their food or you’ve been given permission, check with them every time before

     you do – just in case.

          – this also applies to their things.  Coming back to a broken T.V. and no explanation or apology really hurts

          relationships

     D)  If you are going to have guests over, check with your roommate.

– Guests are guests:  not extra roommates

– monitor your guests and make sure they are respectful to your place and your roommate and their things

– Boyfriends/Girlfriends:  try to keep the PDA levels at a minimum.  Please don’t go munching on each

others faces and grabbing you-know-what while they are around.  Teasing each other is ohk.  Starting a

porno on your couch in front of your roommate is not.

:  Sex is good and healthy, in certain doses.  Your roommate doesn’t need to hear you and your SO

going at it all the time though.  If you’re planning on having sex, give your roommate a heads up.

If your planning goes around the time that your roommate is due home and you haven’t given them a

heads up, plan as if they are coming home an hour early.

:  unless your romantic partner is living with you lease wise, they do not live with you.  It’s super

awkward to come back to find someone else’s stuff in your space.  It is also super awkward when you

see them as frequently as your roommate or more often.

:  for god’s sake, clean up too!


3)  Be Mature:  don’t be passive-aggressive!

“My roommate and I sometimes leave our things in common areas (for example the living room, kitchen).  Some nights I would come back home after he finally decided to clean and find all those things tossed into my room.  Literally tossed.  What really pissed me off was how much of his stuff still remained in the living room.  It was like I didn’t live there sometimes.”

It’s mean.  It’s evil.  And it can be downright fun sometimes.  However, your first response to situations should always be to communicate the idea that something’s not working out.  If tossing empty boxes of their newly bought toys doesn’t work, straight up tell them to take out the trash.  Bottom Line:  effectively communicate with one another.

4)  Know When to Call it Quits

It’s sucky.  You’ve tried to communicate with your roommate and it’s failed.  You’ve pleaded with your roommate to shape up and they just shrugged it off.  If you keep beating your head against the same wall and nothing is changing and you only wind up with a worse headache, you’ve reached insanity.  This is the point when you should seriously consider moving out.  Sometimes communication fails.  Sometimes they don’t care enough about the things that bother you to change or improve upon their bad habits.  Sometimes you can’t make compromises.  Whatever the reasons if your home is no longer a home, or a sanctuary, you need to get out.  You should always look forward to coming home to recharge and get some R and R.

Stress needs to be managed and it can involve something drastic:  like moving out.  It’s can be scary (I know)!  You’re leaving an established abode and traveling into the unknown.  But if you don’t make an effort to change something you’re not going to feel any better.

I’ll write up a little post on how to move out later.  Probably once I start my own process because my current living arrangement isn’t working out.

Friends are dandy and all, and living with them can lead to good times.  But you either become closer than ever before or you become the murder suspect.  Take Away:  Good friends don’t always make for good roommates.

Dating Sim Games

Believable people catch me.  It’s so much safer (but much weirder) to fall in love with the idea of someone.  It is also incredibly easy.  One of my guilty secret pleasures comes in the form of dating sim games.  Oh yes.  I thrive in that kingdom of imagination.

As much as it might surprise some people I enjoy not living in the present.  (It is something I am working on).  My imagination runs wild and it blooms in vivid arrays.  I much rather enjoy having relationships in my mind mostly because even if things go wrong, “we” work things out in the end.  Sometimes our relationship changes and sometimes those changes really affect how we see each other the next time.  And I am going to pull the plug before I get into the nitty gritty details.

The point is, dating sim games.  Man.  Give me a picture of an attractive person (drawn preferred – fleshing people out in reality is fun for me) and I’ll sing for a day.  Give me a personality behind that picture and I will sing forever.  Kind of like in real life:  eye candy is eye candy but never anything more unless you can enjoy their personality (flaws and quirks in all).  I’ve been playing between three this past week on my phone and do I surge with emotion.  But they are evil.  They are little apps that can destroy your wallet if you’re not careful.  Yeah… I may have dished up some money on actually being able to read the stories.  Oh it makes me feel terrible on the inside.  Well, sort of.  But those checkpoints!  With the cruel items and lack of in-game currency earning options really add fuel to the fire of my impatience.  Even if the writing is terrible and they mix things up.  And it bugs a part of you.  But the characters….!

Perhaps… I should invest in possibly obtaining a romantic companion…?

Reflections on Change

Over coffee and fries, engrossed in an intense conversation:  “We should be really proud of ourselves.  Right now it is really hard to see our progress because we are still in the middle of changing.”  He nodded in agreement and we sat there basking in our own epiphanies.

Throughout our lives we are bound to change.  Change itself is not a bad thing; I honestly think it is the reason people fall in and out of relationships (both romantic and friendly and in-between).  The changes occur outside the other’s experiences.  We were both exchanging our feelings with changes that we’d been working on for quite some time.  For me, my work involves changing my lifestyle.  I want to lose weight and I want to feel healthy and things of the like.  At the same time I also wanted to work on building a strong emotional and mental foundation.  It is going pretty well.  Since winter of last year I’ve lost 30 lbs almost (hitting 198 really hit me).  I feel a lot better except for right now because I have an infection and am a little sick.  Mentally is a little harder but my thoughts are changing.  I hate myself doesn’t cycle through my head as much.  Things like I’m fat and you are worthless don’t pop up as often.  Emotionally I feel… freer to feel.  That sounds ridiculous but it was not always so.  Two people in the world give me hope and courage to be myself.

Take care of yourself.