Category Archives: Thoughts

Rants. Why is this not the biggest section?

Sent Home

A post after a long while.

It’s almost like writing a long overdue letter to a friend you forgot to keep contact with.

Today I wanted to talk about something a bit mundane.  I was sent home, deemed too sick to work.  Maybe it’s a cold, maybe it’s the flu (hope not, bet not) but either way, too sick to look healthy.  Currently I work at a Papa Murphys – one of those food chain stores.  Every day, all day, I am knees deep in food.  Unwrapping it, cutting, dicing, chopping, toting, storing and slathering and lathering it onto pizzas for moms to take home, it’s there all around me.  So fair, probably shouldn’t be at work.  No one is at fault truly.  Getting sent home so I don’t contaminate my coworkers or any foodstuffs is a safe call.  Plus I most definitely needed the rest.  What really bugs me… is that I need all the hours I am scheduled for.  Don’t you?

I am 23 now.  Huh.

23 and living in an apartment that rents out for $475 split with one roommate, a slight older.  It is nice, modest and the most affordable we have.  I pay roughly $237.50.  My half of utilities come roughly around $70 – $100 (including my internet bill).  Phone is around $70 (coming soon!) and the real killer is my student loan bill totaling $214 -ish every month.

My job is lovely.  At my 35 hours, I work just slightly more than I want, mornings from 8-3, 5 days a week.  Weekends are mine unless otherwise asked and I get paid $10/hour.  Which is more than I can say for some other people I know.  It gets me by.  There’s even this wonderful new ability I acquired called saving that is quickly building back up my savings account.

And it all works as long as I labor.

This month marks the first day that I actually have health insurance as per the law.  Which is nice.  Not noted above but noted now for this simple revelation: jobs that come with benefits are valuable.  Silly me, I didn’t comprehend that.  It really took me having to afford health insurance on my own in order to drive that fact into my head.  And it took over.  It replicated many, many times in my brain.  Having sick days, paid vacations, retirement plans built into your jobs, insurance, and on and on are all precious.  Perhaps you might not think so, perhaps you are better off.  But these offers are things that tend to be exclusively offered to full-time positions.

Which is where I finally come back around – I’m only a part-timer.  Problems ensue.  Still sick, still recovering but able to finally work after two days.  Those hours I missed are valuable.

But I am not alone.



On Dreams

Last night I had a most peculiar dream:  I’d arrived at work in hours we don’t keep with a full-team awaiting me.  We were prepping the store for customers on this cold, December night with a fresh layer of snow awaiting the prancing of our feet.  As their supervisor, sleepy and barely there, I directed my crew and looked over some troublesome foodstuffs that seemed to be spoiled.  However, I noticed that I lacked a proper uniform and without license and car I’d have no way to make it to my apartment and back in time to open the store.  Looking through my crew members I’d asked an employee who I wish I could have left to manage the store in my place but she was the only one I trusted.

Time seemed to pass suddenly.  I had somehow made it back and without any real indication of why or how I had come there.  Wasn’t I to be at work?  I looked over and a good friend I once had romantic inclinations towards shuffled uncomfortably.  That’s an understatement – he was upset:  it emanated from his shifting posture.  My head was hazy, like I was constantly falling in and out of sleep and I simply asked him, “What is wrong?”  His words were not something I heard, they were something I saw:  a scrolling text of characters full of meaning.

“I don’t want to do this by myself.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to be a single parent.”  It hit me.  And yet, there was little comfort to offer.  On cue, it began.  The bleeding.  It was the soft sound of snow falling – barely audible.  Waterfalls of blood seeped from my nose and I became faint.  “Please.”  I don’t remember what happened after that.  My last thoughts were of sorrow, of regret.  That winter I had been diagnosed with cancer and a massive tumor was pressing on my brain which sometimes led to these sessions of bloodletting.  Like it were trying to relieve some of the pressure.  It was so white in my head that I could only apologize minimally, over and over, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to go.”

Almost two months pregnant.

I suppose it is not unnatural to find some meaning in your dreams.  Or to at least want to. People might say that there is no meaning, the science behind dreaming is unconfirmed.  It changes and rolls around and at this point, what do you really have to lose in believing something?

Dreams, I have always believed, can be something a little more.  There could be patterns of thought – do you find yourself in loop doing something over and over and getting the same result?  Are you doing that in life?  Are you constantly chasing things that you’ve chased in the past hoping something else will happen?  There could be strong emotions, attitudes felt or displayed in dreams – are you often angry? Sick?  Frustrated?  In pain?  Numb?  Do you find yourself expressing certain opinions?  If you feel strongly about the environment do you perhaps dream that you are a defender of it?  There could simply be the presence of something or someone.  Many things can happen and it’s all up to you, if you want, to find anything deeper than the experience of having that dream.  When I have nightmares, I try my hardest to remember what it was that triggered it.  Was it something I watched, read, or imagined?  Nightmares are some of the most powerful dreams and can help guide us to learn what might ail us and our thoughts.

I trust in my dreams to help me recenter myself.

For the above dreams, I know part of it stems from accepting my role as a manager as well as a display of a fear I have:  staying here in this town.  Becoming pregnant with a child would limit my mobility if it was with a certain person.  Not only that, the implication is strong is that there is now a commitment with them that I do not want to take place (though I once did).  Being sick in my dream is also another terrible fear exploited by imagination – I’ve prayed to one day have a child and to think that I might not have one or not have the ability to care for or witness my child’s life is devastating.  To leave loved ones behind because I fell sick.  My health is not in the best condition at the moment so it is natural for something like this to show up in my dreams.  However, I never expected to feel it so fully.

Nothing quite like having thoughts reflected back at you.

Once a Fan, Always?

REcently I’ve been imbibing in a favorite draught:  horror games.  Specifically games from the survival horror genre.  When I was a child, quite literally a child, my family actually bonded over Resident Evil (the remake on the Game Cube).  We would watch my father play (because my mother and brother and I didn’t have the nerves) and help him with the puzzles (we liked to think).  I hadn’t thought much about it because well… it pretty much rolled down the cliff with 4 and exploded at the bottom of the canyon with 5.  And not much else was said about it.

Now that I am ridiculously overstressed – how the hell did I think I could go to college? – I decided to slump down and mindlessly watch some playtthroughs of Resident Evil.  It cheered me up some.  It was enchanting and mesmerizing.  Loving every little bit I consumed videos until I finished 1 and 2 and remembered, “Hey, whatever happened to that fanfic I wrote based on the series?”  Oh yes.  I am one of those.  Perhaps not as dedicated but better punctuated and written (did anyone else see the angst teen takeover?) but I collected a butt-ton of information.  Like, I wrote down the serial names of the monsters that Umbrella had specifically engineered and cross-referenced their methods and made a “lineage” chart of the viruses starting with Progenitor all the way down to what became the C-virus. I tracked all of Wesker’s movements (because he was the love of my life) and made a superior time-line so that I would be true to the series and even went so far as to read in-game files on all the research, notes, and etc for the sake of accuracy.  Obsessed probably didn’t cut it when I was in the thick of all those words.

Seeing those videos made me feel like writing again.  I don’t know if I ever will pick up that series again but it makes me smile just a little bit to know that I was such a crazy kid.  Well, still am.  Even after all this time, still a fan, still a fan.  Some feelings never really go away?

Moving Out Is a Pain

Slumbering through school at the moment, my mood is getting the drop on me while I pour over the apartment listings.  Weirdly enough, I don’t have too many options for one bedroom apartments or studios.  I did try to move out in the middle of winter.  Also tried to apply to an income based housing complex – turned down because my dad claimed me as a dependent on his taxes last year.  Ouch.  Like, seriously, that’s not cool!

Already told my roommate when I was planning on moving out and everything was sorted until really, two weeks ago when both our plans failed. Miserably.  They just jumped off the cliff of awesomeness and swan-dived into the pit of despair.  So I sat my roommate down and told him what was up with me and that I’ll probably be around.  I also told him I’m not going to just straight up ditch him – cause that’s a b*tch-*ss move and I still value our friendship.  He was thankful, we broke bread (essentially) and everything is pretty much at a standstill until then.

Guess I have time to save more money and get some other things aligned?  Found out my moms are buying me some furniture for my new apartment (something I was looking forward to until I realized I’m pretty broke).  TTOTT Bless their souls!  For the most part, there are a lot of good things about moving out later versus now.

– I have a place to live

– I’m taking a photo class; my roommate graduated with a MCOM degree with an emphasis in Photography

– Time to save

– Could possibly be decent at driving with some practice

– Summer might mean more available apartments?

In the end, we’ll shall soon find out.

Dating Sim Games

Believable people catch me.  It’s so much safer (but much weirder) to fall in love with the idea of someone.  It is also incredibly easy.  One of my guilty secret pleasures comes in the form of dating sim games.  Oh yes.  I thrive in that kingdom of imagination.

As much as it might surprise some people I enjoy not living in the present.  (It is something I am working on).  My imagination runs wild and it blooms in vivid arrays.  I much rather enjoy having relationships in my mind mostly because even if things go wrong, “we” work things out in the end.  Sometimes our relationship changes and sometimes those changes really affect how we see each other the next time.  And I am going to pull the plug before I get into the nitty gritty details.

The point is, dating sim games.  Man.  Give me a picture of an attractive person (drawn preferred – fleshing people out in reality is fun for me) and I’ll sing for a day.  Give me a personality behind that picture and I will sing forever.  Kind of like in real life:  eye candy is eye candy but never anything more unless you can enjoy their personality (flaws and quirks in all).  I’ve been playing between three this past week on my phone and do I surge with emotion.  But they are evil.  They are little apps that can destroy your wallet if you’re not careful.  Yeah… I may have dished up some money on actually being able to read the stories.  Oh it makes me feel terrible on the inside.  Well, sort of.  But those checkpoints!  With the cruel items and lack of in-game currency earning options really add fuel to the fire of my impatience.  Even if the writing is terrible and they mix things up.  And it bugs a part of you.  But the characters….!

Perhaps… I should invest in possibly obtaining a romantic companion…?


Do you live in your dreams?  Are you able to control what happens in them at will?  Do you ever revisit them and continue the journey other nights?

     I was marching through the castle gardens – there was a small invasion.  My brigade was the first on the scene though I should really say that my captain’s brigade was first on the scene.  We defeated the assailants quickly and more time was spent cleaning up the palace grounds and tending to the few wounded.  But as I was headed back to the barracks I recalled my blade which must’ve been more lance like in length with a few spells and heard the whispers among my own comrades.  I didn’t bunk with them.  But then I saw her.  She was beautiful and she caught me off guard.

     I returned to my room, waving to the friends I made who lived in the hall.  But that is really all part of the dream I wish to remember.  Aside from the strange desert setting in the city outside the gates of the royal quarter, there was little to be explored.

     Dreams like this are fun.  It’s like living so many different lives at the same time.  I hope I can continue this one for a while.

Completionist Problems: Tales of Vesperia

I pride myself in collecting everything possible in a game.  For the XBox 360, nothing seems more reassuring than the pings of another new achievement unlocked by yours truly.  And then I started looking deeper into Vesperia and cracked.  Approximately 17 hours into the game I realized that I had missed so much!  Mainly because I was using a guide to well, guide me.  Several side-quests missed, several opportunities for some badass weapons and stacking into an achievement or two that would remain undone until another playthrough.  Hence the start of a new game without my friend’s help so I can micromanage even more.  Because shouting, “You need to stop spamming your Artes because we don’t have any items for TP!” is really fun to hear.  Or say. 

     It boggles my mind that side-quests aren’t the beloved things I came to know in other games.  They are all textual really.  The ones I have encountered so far.  And they are very, very easy to miss! with little chance of redemption.  You savvy and cruel Tales games creators.  I should have known better – this wasn’t my first Tales game.

     In the end, with this new playthrough, I am taking it slow.  Because who needs to worry about one Speed run achievement while I level-grind and backtrack and zip all over the place?

     At least I have the Duke Pantarei side quests to keep me sated.  God that man is sexy.  See? 

ImageI borrowed this from Tumblr from someone named… cardevolve?  Does everyone else understand Tumblr besides me?

Perk of Being Friends With an Attractive Male

Once you get past the who liking that person – getting rejected helps – it’s nice to be able to settle down and be friends with a guy.  Especially if he’s pleasing to your eyes.  Currently in a photo studio of my old school, I’m helping out with a photo shoot.  The photographer in question had said, “You know (my name), you’ve seen me shirtless the most out of all my friends”.  And ironically, I have not slept with him.

     Here’s to eye candy!  And keeping to your principles! WhaBAM!

Photo Albums

One of my favorite things to do is thumb through photo albums (and scrapbooks).  It gives me a heightened sense of nostalgia, an experience I really dig.  I like to see how many of the memories captured in those pictures I actually remember.  How well is my memory doing?  How happy were those days?  What mess did I get myself into that time?

Recently I bought myself a photo album.  One of those one’s with the sticky pages.  It has a really generic cover but I think I can spice it up.  Just a little bit.  Because I have so many memories I would like to preserve it just felt like the right time.  How many movie experiences can I cram in there?  How many love notes? Apology notes, drawings and poems?  As far back as I can go, I want to remember those things and share them with my loved ones.

I also bought some shark stickers because I love them and they’re adorable.  But, one of them looks like Bruce and Bruce always has a soothing effect as he swims through my mind.  So why not leave an impression of him to guard my memories as well?

To Change, Or not to Change?

It’s a new year and while I was thinking about resolutions in general I thought about this humble little blog.  Or rather I thought more about whether or not I should sharpen the focus (because I tend to write on about any and every thing).  However, this functions as my personal public diary.  And since that is so, maybe I will continue to write about any and every thing.  Hence the name.

What is more fun to read than the autobiography of an average person?  (Heh, joke).  Just the same.  Perhaps this exists because I insanely enjoy observing and thinking about people, so let them observe me back.