Category Archives: In Living

When Friends are in Pain

It’s odd how secure I feel in my feelings and a friend’s (heartrending) break-up really put things into perspective:

I looked on, and as I looked on my heart felt a pang of numbness it hadn’t felt in such a long time.  I looked on and felt an old depression sink into my bones and the world was gray again.  Bitter memories fluttered by and every little emotion I’d felt after my own break-up resurfaced, condensed down into mere moments.  Emerging once more, embracing them with every bit of understanding I had accumulated, I prayed:  Please help my friend find guidance.  Please help them find strength to linger on long enough to rediscover the worth of life.

It was rough and we’re still not completely in the clear.  However, I sense it now, energy is being released unlike before.  Piecemeal, it’s finally starting to dissipate.  My friend was in pain, they suffered and didn’t know how to find solace, comfort and release.  There’s always that initial phase of going back, trying to reclaim what was lost – it ripped them apart.  Too many what-ifs, too many questions and not enough closure.  There’s nothing I can do but watch on in silence, be that witness, and reaffirm things that I’ve always known to be true:  “It’s ohk to cry”, “You’re a good person, you’re just lost”.  “You’re going to feel like dying over and over,” I text them.  It’s easier than having them show me their face.  They don’t want to be seen – very few people get to see someone so raw and vulnerable and I can’t be mad.  “It’s going to suck for a long time,” I continue, praying my words give solidarity, “but it’ll end.”  Outside of the numerous texts, I let them talk.  I let them tell me anything and press my ears for the flyby phrases and words that are inevitably muttered.  I spend as much time, distract them and hold and remind them:  you’re going to feel alone, but I am here.

I did everything I could remember wanting when I was in pain and felt like there was nothing left.  I did my best to be that person I needed most:  simply there and willing to hold me, listen on without judgement and to reel me back even if it meant I’d hate them for seeing my weakness and through my intentions.  That is the best route one can take in comforting a friend.  You talk and you try to mitigate those negative thoughts that spin endlessly in their minds.  You understand that emotions, especially love, can boil your mind in madness and leave you far less than rational.  You do your best to rewrite those beliefs, compassionately, but honestly and mindfully.  Always remember:  this isn’t about you, it’s about them and what they need.

Take care of one another.

Advertisements

Rules of Courtesy for Roommates

Condom packages on dining room table.  One used, empty.  The other still waiting.  Flour all over the kitchen counters, sink full of dishes and apartment air muggy.  Coffee table with dirty dishes, one plate with food still on it and two cups.

Here are some rules to help you and your roommate get along:

1)  Communicate:  when a problem arises, nip it in the bud and take care of it then and there.  The longer someone goes without speaking the more habitual and OK it becomes.  Listen to one another and find a good middle ground or compromise.

2)  Respect your roommate:  you are sharing a living space so ample amounts of respect needs to be had on both sides.

A)  If you make a mess, clean it up ASAP

B)  If you’re roommate’s sleeping and it is within their normal sleeping range, be quiet.

C)  Do not eat their food unless you’ve been given permission or have an arrangement set up beforehand.  If

     they have offered you some of their food or you’ve been given permission, check with them every time before

     you do – just in case.

          – this also applies to their things.  Coming back to a broken T.V. and no explanation or apology really hurts

          relationships

     D)  If you are going to have guests over, check with your roommate.

– Guests are guests:  not extra roommates

– monitor your guests and make sure they are respectful to your place and your roommate and their things

– Boyfriends/Girlfriends:  try to keep the PDA levels at a minimum.  Please don’t go munching on each

others faces and grabbing you-know-what while they are around.  Teasing each other is ohk.  Starting a

porno on your couch in front of your roommate is not.

:  Sex is good and healthy, in certain doses.  Your roommate doesn’t need to hear you and your SO

going at it all the time though.  If you’re planning on having sex, give your roommate a heads up.

If your planning goes around the time that your roommate is due home and you haven’t given them a

heads up, plan as if they are coming home an hour early.

:  unless your romantic partner is living with you lease wise, they do not live with you.  It’s super

awkward to come back to find someone else’s stuff in your space.  It is also super awkward when you

see them as frequently as your roommate or more often.

:  for god’s sake, clean up too!


3)  Be Mature:  don’t be passive-aggressive!

“My roommate and I sometimes leave our things in common areas (for example the living room, kitchen).  Some nights I would come back home after he finally decided to clean and find all those things tossed into my room.  Literally tossed.  What really pissed me off was how much of his stuff still remained in the living room.  It was like I didn’t live there sometimes.”

It’s mean.  It’s evil.  And it can be downright fun sometimes.  However, your first response to situations should always be to communicate the idea that something’s not working out.  If tossing empty boxes of their newly bought toys doesn’t work, straight up tell them to take out the trash.  Bottom Line:  effectively communicate with one another.

4)  Know When to Call it Quits

It’s sucky.  You’ve tried to communicate with your roommate and it’s failed.  You’ve pleaded with your roommate to shape up and they just shrugged it off.  If you keep beating your head against the same wall and nothing is changing and you only wind up with a worse headache, you’ve reached insanity.  This is the point when you should seriously consider moving out.  Sometimes communication fails.  Sometimes they don’t care enough about the things that bother you to change or improve upon their bad habits.  Sometimes you can’t make compromises.  Whatever the reasons if your home is no longer a home, or a sanctuary, you need to get out.  You should always look forward to coming home to recharge and get some R and R.

Stress needs to be managed and it can involve something drastic:  like moving out.  It’s can be scary (I know)!  You’re leaving an established abode and traveling into the unknown.  But if you don’t make an effort to change something you’re not going to feel any better.

I’ll write up a little post on how to move out later.  Probably once I start my own process because my current living arrangement isn’t working out.

Friends are dandy and all, and living with them can lead to good times.  But you either become closer than ever before or you become the murder suspect.  Take Away:  Good friends don’t always make for good roommates.

Reflections on Change

Over coffee and fries, engrossed in an intense conversation:  “We should be really proud of ourselves.  Right now it is really hard to see our progress because we are still in the middle of changing.”  He nodded in agreement and we sat there basking in our own epiphanies.

Throughout our lives we are bound to change.  Change itself is not a bad thing; I honestly think it is the reason people fall in and out of relationships (both romantic and friendly and in-between).  The changes occur outside the other’s experiences.  We were both exchanging our feelings with changes that we’d been working on for quite some time.  For me, my work involves changing my lifestyle.  I want to lose weight and I want to feel healthy and things of the like.  At the same time I also wanted to work on building a strong emotional and mental foundation.  It is going pretty well.  Since winter of last year I’ve lost 30 lbs almost (hitting 198 really hit me).  I feel a lot better except for right now because I have an infection and am a little sick.  Mentally is a little harder but my thoughts are changing.  I hate myself doesn’t cycle through my head as much.  Things like I’m fat and you are worthless don’t pop up as often.  Emotionally I feel… freer to feel.  That sounds ridiculous but it was not always so.  Two people in the world give me hope and courage to be myself.

Take care of yourself.

Here I Am

This is me. I come to this world so wild and free~

After winging the title that came back to me. Come to think of it, when I was younger I would loop-play Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron in the background. Constantly. The whole movie. And I would sing along the entire way. Great soundtrack!

Anywhoskiwhatsits – I’ve been MIA. For a while. A lot of things have happened since and similarly what happens when I skip out on my journal I have a hazy hash of updates. Some major decision that I’ve made:

– get a car
– get a license
– lose more weight (I went from 198 – 168-ish meow!)
– keep practicing my art skills
– learn more art paths
– DM a full campaign for Dungeons and Dragons
– keep in contact with my friends and family
– be healthy
– be more financially conscious
finish school (one way or another)

Let’s start with one of the biggest ambiguous decisions: school. Many people are enrolled in some form of tertiary education for a myriad of reasons. Bet though that many of us are here because we’ve been pelted with the same thought over and over – you can’t get a job if you don’t have a degree. (And if you don’t have a job, you can’t pay rent, eat, buy that snazzy new game that will have your fingers bleeding, and really life in general just dies. It just explodes and you temporarily cease to exist. Eventually you’ll just slink away into nothingness while your friends habitually comment on your unemployment-ness.) Happiness though, is compromised, by a lack of a degree.  (Which is ridiculous.)  Despite my fears and reservations I have enrolled for Fall semester pursuing a degree in Mass Communications w/ an emphasis in Graphic Communications and a minor in Biology. This was the best compromise for an art degree while keeping rounded and wouldn’t “waste” the credits of biology courses already taken. What led to this were tears, hard talks and painful epiphanies:

All my pain will continue to build until I no longer lumber to surmount them.  Somehow, almost three years later, I find my heart burning while walking near my old dorm hall and through various colleges.  So many things bring me back to unpleasant (understatement) memories.  I have to reconstruct not only my life but my self-image.  This means letting go of all the ideas and dreams I had with my fiance.  That is still so incredibly hard to do.  So I cut my hair, I chose a different major after taking a semester off and nearly failing out of two, establishing a new friend group, and trying so hard to depend on only myself.  Admittedly I am still bitter sometimes.  BUT that is not who I am as a person.  I’m a funny, quirky, adorable and caring person with a sensitive and loyal heart.

In my contemplations uni was one of the least amusing options.  Student loans aren’t fun and the flood of graduates coupled with the rising cost of tuition and textbooks (which are baloney) make me wonder.  Many people are falling out of school and pursuing other options.  What this boils down to is how I feel about one dream that lingers in my heart every waking moment:  to start a family.  Of all the things I long only for that, for that one chance to bear children and raise them.  One of my best friends likes to tease me about it but more importantly he likes to ask my why?  Why do I want kids so bad when the world is such a cold place?  So much time has passed and without even knowing, without his prompting, I finally have the words for the answer:  love.  I want to fill the world with more love.  In some way I hope that having uni will teach me to be a better artists and the social challenges of meeting people, befriending them, maintaining relationships will continue to provide me with valuable insight.  In other ways I hope that my education will benefit me and help me establish a sound environment free from most financial burdens.

Education is important regardless of the source.  Keep learning, keep studying.  Find your dreams and capture them!  Most importantly though love. Fill the world with love so it overflows and people can’t help but see it everywhere they look.

When I’m Sick

When I’m sick, I like to pretend that all the air I breathe out is toxic and poisonous.  Then all the vapors and germs had some sort of mysterious purple form and it always comes out like a dragon sighing, “Paaaaah!”  When I’m sick, I like to pretend every little cough is like an earthquake inside my throat and lungs.  That way the little world I imagined inside me was experience a meltdown every time they failed to protect me from viruses.  Can’t always get it right, you know?  When I’m sick, I like to pretend that every second is my last, even with a minor cold, because the world seems so much prettier when you’re overly dramatic!  Appreciate.  When I’m sick, I like taking every moment I can to sleep or rest it off so I can wake up and pretend I just beat death.  Suddenly, I am on top of the world!  Even if for a few seconds.  When I’m sick, I’ve learned to appreciate all the times that I am kept awake because I’m too restless to sleep due to symptoms.  Because at those times I remember how silly I am and how dedicated I can be to making things.

     What do you do when you’re sick?

In Sickness

It’s funny.  I feel like being real with myself in an attempt to hopefully cure some problems that ail me at this point in my life.  Ails me.  How ironic.

     As I sit here writing I’m currently feeling under the weather and have been for a couple of days now.  At first I experienced some problems with my sinuses which really isn’t that uncommon.  But then my throat starting feeling tender and the next day it hurt.  Though to be honest, coughing tends to irritate your throat if you do it enough.  The day after I spend now trying various things to soothe my aching throat.  Talking came out much harsher and harder than previous days and the first few words spent were on my roommate headed out the door for a job.  I didn’t speak for the rest of the day until after I ordered some pizza online, avoiding the tomato sauce and acidic things, and even then it was more mouthing than anything.  My poor confused delivery boy.  After a few bites and swallows of water I tried to speak some words like “Hello” which was hard to produce.  And I sounded absolutely ridiculous.  So coarse and raw.  I spent the whole day silently laughing to myself.  When my roommate finally came back he came back with our friend.  I was surprised and they spent a good time teasing me which was all in good humor.  It made my day feel less lonely and crummy because there was a laughable quality to it all.

     Then we traveled to Walmart.  I wanted soup.  Hot and Sour because I loved the taste and it was soup.  Our friend also suggested some yogurt to help keep my immune system up (good thing I actually really love the taste of yogurt) and I ran into a former coworker and her husband twice.  Such a beautiful couple!  Happy, healthy and they suggested some lozenges branded Chloraseptic.  Maximum dose!  My throat was killing me.  I wanted to cry at some points while we were there because it hurt so much and there was little else I could do.  I think perhaps I had tried speaking to much when they had arrived. 

     Now that I am back home and chilling on my laptop I think back to the hiring sign I saw at Pizza hut.  It’s not far from where I used to work.  Part of me thinks that I would at least be good at that job but I also fear that I will dismissed because I won’t fit in.  It really gets to me and I need that to stop because it’s interfering with me functioning as a healthy individual.  I mean, I have to pay rent among other things, you know?  This month is covered and if I buy absolutely nothing, I will have more than enough for next month too.  But I need a job.  Part of me thinks back to the post I saw about not staying in a job you hated and that the worst that could happen if you tried something new was failure.  Gosh, that’s not such a good word to hear.  People pick those moments out of you if they want to tear you down too.  Maybe instead of lovely Taco Bell I’ll shoot for Pizza Hut and try to be a decent server. 

     I’m behind on papers, or rather forms, for school as well.  I should really work on that because they keep calling me (which really doesn’t help because I can’t really speak).  I got a good start and realized dude, I know everything for the others.  I just have to print them off and mail them out.  I’ll probably send my high school transcripts with them too because bother, the ones I sent in were a bad copy. 

     All my complaints of the day.  So for now, I will focus on the fact that the person I love is happy at the moment, despite wanting to shake the winter weight I’m feeling rather comfortable with my 182.  There’s something about a little extra poundage that really is helping keeping me warm right now, and fluffy!  And I’m getting back into the habit of writing every day.  Something.  Even if it kind of sucks to hear what I say when I read it back to myself.  Have to keep journaling somehow. 

Roommates

So far there have been five roommates in my life over three years of living with people whom I wouldn’t consider my legal family. I’ve noticed some things, some differences in the way we behave versus the way I behave and cross the counter with everyone.

Two are engaged: and shall be known as the Engaged couple
Perfect goes to the first roommate.
Awesome goes to the second roommate.
Guy goes to the third roommate.

Some thing I have noticed so far: all the girls I have lived with and the Engaged, have always always brushed their teeth first thing in the morning. I do this as well – my mother and I had a “tragic” upset one lovely holiday morning while at her relatives place for Christmas. I think it is strange but all those ingredients better be protecting my teeth! Secondly, Perfect was the most meticulous about appearance. I can’t call them vain because I picked it up and it’s fun and feels great to look the best I can. Even in plain dress-up. Then follows would be me, honestly, then Engaged and Awesome are tied. Guy goes last. I should live with more single guys I think. So far I hear stereotypes in my head but there really aren’t many I find that spend much effort in starting off their day “right” – as my mom called it. Or at least this morning as I thought about it – he went straight for the tele and Dark Souls which he has been spamming on my XBox because he’s bored of his XBox One games.
On the list of who cares more about their appearance, we have different ways of tackling the issue. Awesome roommate worked out. A lot. Even while she was sick. Engaged and I had trouble getting her to sit still. She dressed casually and was going for that certifiable banging body – in her case she wanted to slim down her thighs which really weren’t that fat at all. They were smaller than mine. Perfect was already skinny from the get go with nice curves (I’m a little biased, I was engaged to this person). She addressed it by dressing in cute clothes and putting on make-up. Unless she wasn’t going out. Then she said, “Fuck it!” and just chilled with me. Engaged were casual and were pretty content whichever way they were. I thought that was really cool. Guy is somewhat… I’m not sure. He does not easily give into letting his thoughts out but I’m sure he has had some acceptance though displays signs of wanting to change.
Some casual things. I wonder what more will I see.

Revelations

I’m in a pretty good mood for having skipped two finals.  Yes, that has happened.  Aren’t I a terrible student?  But that is not the true point of this post!  No, no that.  It is something much more… delightful.

Watching Matrix Revelations has gotten me pumped up for a work party I will be attending with my roommate (because I know he will at least try to play the games and he knows a fair amount of the people going).  And although it is a work function my coworkers are all really cool and nice people.  Case in point, today is going to be awesome regardless of what happens because somehow, without even trying it is already a good day.  I’m going to get my hair done – it’s an asymmetrical cut and so far it’s grown out to a little past my shoulders and I had my stylist even it out to make it straighter… and now I want to get it cut asymmetrically again so that the left side is a touch higher than it is now.  I need to make up my mind!

I think I am going to enjoy this day most of all simply because this is one of the last days I will be spending with my friends.  Last day until I pop up to North Dakota to join my family for an early Christmas celebration with my littler brother before he gets hauled off to California by my dad on the 20th.  However, that means I will be alone.  With my moms.  And nothing to do.  For three days.  Oh the horror!  You can love your family all you want but that doesn’t mean all the time you spend with them is completely pleasant.  I hope I will survive.  I hope I will survive.

Friendly Fire

Don’t take it personally when you are caught in the cross fire of an assault of your friend’s.  They don’t mean what they say seventy-eight percent of the time.  And even if it falls in the twenty-two percent, do be aware that it is all right to ask for an apology:  why?  Even if  circumstances explain some of their behavior (if not all), they still need to know how they treated you or what they said.  Because that’s not cool, even among friends.

At the same time, be understanding.

Chocolate and Good Conversation

Often times the best thing I can do to raise a little happiness in my life is talk to a really good friend.  It doesn’t have to be about anything in particular or serious – it just has to be something we can talk about.  If there were ever a person you need to meet in your life, that would be this kind of person:  the person you can talk about anything with.

Good conversation leaves me feeling elated, emotionally entwined with rational thoughts, beliefs, or possibly even ideals.  It is like taking a deep breath and letting out a good sigh or yawn.  You get a little worked up in the process but in the end, it feels good.  So do it often.  We are social creatures after all.  Treat yourself as if you were a Sim!  (But please, don’t be sadistic!  Taking out pool ladders and refusing to let them go to the bathroom is evil in many ways.)  You have needs and one of them is social.  Now you may not completely climb down into insanity by talking to volleyballs with handprints or weird little puppets (and hopefully a clown doesn’t apparate into existence), but just the same you can feel the effects of not being able to or not connecting with people.

And if there is no one around at the moment, write out an e-mail to reach out and consume lots of chocolate.  Because who doesn’t like chocolate? (Except for obviously the people who… well, don’t.)