Category Archives: With People

Be it as friends, lovers, roommates, stalkers, some experiential advice.

When Friends are in Pain

It’s odd how secure I feel in my feelings and a friend’s (heartrending) break-up really put things into perspective:

I looked on, and as I looked on my heart felt a pang of numbness it hadn’t felt in such a long time.  I looked on and felt an old depression sink into my bones and the world was gray again.  Bitter memories fluttered by and every little emotion I’d felt after my own break-up resurfaced, condensed down into mere moments.  Emerging once more, embracing them with every bit of understanding I had accumulated, I prayed:  Please help my friend find guidance.  Please help them find strength to linger on long enough to rediscover the worth of life.

It was rough and we’re still not completely in the clear.  However, I sense it now, energy is being released unlike before.  Piecemeal, it’s finally starting to dissipate.  My friend was in pain, they suffered and didn’t know how to find solace, comfort and release.  There’s always that initial phase of going back, trying to reclaim what was lost – it ripped them apart.  Too many what-ifs, too many questions and not enough closure.  There’s nothing I can do but watch on in silence, be that witness, and reaffirm things that I’ve always known to be true:  “It’s ohk to cry”, “You’re a good person, you’re just lost”.  “You’re going to feel like dying over and over,” I text them.  It’s easier than having them show me their face.  They don’t want to be seen – very few people get to see someone so raw and vulnerable and I can’t be mad.  “It’s going to suck for a long time,” I continue, praying my words give solidarity, “but it’ll end.”  Outside of the numerous texts, I let them talk.  I let them tell me anything and press my ears for the flyby phrases and words that are inevitably muttered.  I spend as much time, distract them and hold and remind them:  you’re going to feel alone, but I am here.

I did everything I could remember wanting when I was in pain and felt like there was nothing left.  I did my best to be that person I needed most:  simply there and willing to hold me, listen on without judgement and to reel me back even if it meant I’d hate them for seeing my weakness and through my intentions.  That is the best route one can take in comforting a friend.  You talk and you try to mitigate those negative thoughts that spin endlessly in their minds.  You understand that emotions, especially love, can boil your mind in madness and leave you far less than rational.  You do your best to rewrite those beliefs, compassionately, but honestly and mindfully.  Always remember:  this isn’t about you, it’s about them and what they need.

Take care of one another.

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Rules of Courtesy for Roommates

Condom packages on dining room table.  One used, empty.  The other still waiting.  Flour all over the kitchen counters, sink full of dishes and apartment air muggy.  Coffee table with dirty dishes, one plate with food still on it and two cups.

Here are some rules to help you and your roommate get along:

1)  Communicate:  when a problem arises, nip it in the bud and take care of it then and there.  The longer someone goes without speaking the more habitual and OK it becomes.  Listen to one another and find a good middle ground or compromise.

2)  Respect your roommate:  you are sharing a living space so ample amounts of respect needs to be had on both sides.

A)  If you make a mess, clean it up ASAP

B)  If you’re roommate’s sleeping and it is within their normal sleeping range, be quiet.

C)  Do not eat their food unless you’ve been given permission or have an arrangement set up beforehand.  If

     they have offered you some of their food or you’ve been given permission, check with them every time before

     you do – just in case.

          – this also applies to their things.  Coming back to a broken T.V. and no explanation or apology really hurts

          relationships

     D)  If you are going to have guests over, check with your roommate.

– Guests are guests:  not extra roommates

– monitor your guests and make sure they are respectful to your place and your roommate and their things

– Boyfriends/Girlfriends:  try to keep the PDA levels at a minimum.  Please don’t go munching on each

others faces and grabbing you-know-what while they are around.  Teasing each other is ohk.  Starting a

porno on your couch in front of your roommate is not.

:  Sex is good and healthy, in certain doses.  Your roommate doesn’t need to hear you and your SO

going at it all the time though.  If you’re planning on having sex, give your roommate a heads up.

If your planning goes around the time that your roommate is due home and you haven’t given them a

heads up, plan as if they are coming home an hour early.

:  unless your romantic partner is living with you lease wise, they do not live with you.  It’s super

awkward to come back to find someone else’s stuff in your space.  It is also super awkward when you

see them as frequently as your roommate or more often.

:  for god’s sake, clean up too!


3)  Be Mature:  don’t be passive-aggressive!

“My roommate and I sometimes leave our things in common areas (for example the living room, kitchen).  Some nights I would come back home after he finally decided to clean and find all those things tossed into my room.  Literally tossed.  What really pissed me off was how much of his stuff still remained in the living room.  It was like I didn’t live there sometimes.”

It’s mean.  It’s evil.  And it can be downright fun sometimes.  However, your first response to situations should always be to communicate the idea that something’s not working out.  If tossing empty boxes of their newly bought toys doesn’t work, straight up tell them to take out the trash.  Bottom Line:  effectively communicate with one another.

4)  Know When to Call it Quits

It’s sucky.  You’ve tried to communicate with your roommate and it’s failed.  You’ve pleaded with your roommate to shape up and they just shrugged it off.  If you keep beating your head against the same wall and nothing is changing and you only wind up with a worse headache, you’ve reached insanity.  This is the point when you should seriously consider moving out.  Sometimes communication fails.  Sometimes they don’t care enough about the things that bother you to change or improve upon their bad habits.  Sometimes you can’t make compromises.  Whatever the reasons if your home is no longer a home, or a sanctuary, you need to get out.  You should always look forward to coming home to recharge and get some R and R.

Stress needs to be managed and it can involve something drastic:  like moving out.  It’s can be scary (I know)!  You’re leaving an established abode and traveling into the unknown.  But if you don’t make an effort to change something you’re not going to feel any better.

I’ll write up a little post on how to move out later.  Probably once I start my own process because my current living arrangement isn’t working out.

Friends are dandy and all, and living with them can lead to good times.  But you either become closer than ever before or you become the murder suspect.  Take Away:  Good friends don’t always make for good roommates.

Roommates

So far there have been five roommates in my life over three years of living with people whom I wouldn’t consider my legal family. I’ve noticed some things, some differences in the way we behave versus the way I behave and cross the counter with everyone.

Two are engaged: and shall be known as the Engaged couple
Perfect goes to the first roommate.
Awesome goes to the second roommate.
Guy goes to the third roommate.

Some thing I have noticed so far: all the girls I have lived with and the Engaged, have always always brushed their teeth first thing in the morning. I do this as well – my mother and I had a “tragic” upset one lovely holiday morning while at her relatives place for Christmas. I think it is strange but all those ingredients better be protecting my teeth! Secondly, Perfect was the most meticulous about appearance. I can’t call them vain because I picked it up and it’s fun and feels great to look the best I can. Even in plain dress-up. Then follows would be me, honestly, then Engaged and Awesome are tied. Guy goes last. I should live with more single guys I think. So far I hear stereotypes in my head but there really aren’t many I find that spend much effort in starting off their day “right” – as my mom called it. Or at least this morning as I thought about it – he went straight for the tele and Dark Souls which he has been spamming on my XBox because he’s bored of his XBox One games.
On the list of who cares more about their appearance, we have different ways of tackling the issue. Awesome roommate worked out. A lot. Even while she was sick. Engaged and I had trouble getting her to sit still. She dressed casually and was going for that certifiable banging body – in her case she wanted to slim down her thighs which really weren’t that fat at all. They were smaller than mine. Perfect was already skinny from the get go with nice curves (I’m a little biased, I was engaged to this person). She addressed it by dressing in cute clothes and putting on make-up. Unless she wasn’t going out. Then she said, “Fuck it!” and just chilled with me. Engaged were casual and were pretty content whichever way they were. I thought that was really cool. Guy is somewhat… I’m not sure. He does not easily give into letting his thoughts out but I’m sure he has had some acceptance though displays signs of wanting to change.
Some casual things. I wonder what more will I see.

Revelations

I’m in a pretty good mood for having skipped two finals.  Yes, that has happened.  Aren’t I a terrible student?  But that is not the true point of this post!  No, no that.  It is something much more… delightful.

Watching Matrix Revelations has gotten me pumped up for a work party I will be attending with my roommate (because I know he will at least try to play the games and he knows a fair amount of the people going).  And although it is a work function my coworkers are all really cool and nice people.  Case in point, today is going to be awesome regardless of what happens because somehow, without even trying it is already a good day.  I’m going to get my hair done – it’s an asymmetrical cut and so far it’s grown out to a little past my shoulders and I had my stylist even it out to make it straighter… and now I want to get it cut asymmetrically again so that the left side is a touch higher than it is now.  I need to make up my mind!

I think I am going to enjoy this day most of all simply because this is one of the last days I will be spending with my friends.  Last day until I pop up to North Dakota to join my family for an early Christmas celebration with my littler brother before he gets hauled off to California by my dad on the 20th.  However, that means I will be alone.  With my moms.  And nothing to do.  For three days.  Oh the horror!  You can love your family all you want but that doesn’t mean all the time you spend with them is completely pleasant.  I hope I will survive.  I hope I will survive.

Friendly Fire

Don’t take it personally when you are caught in the cross fire of an assault of your friend’s.  They don’t mean what they say seventy-eight percent of the time.  And even if it falls in the twenty-two percent, do be aware that it is all right to ask for an apology:  why?  Even if  circumstances explain some of their behavior (if not all), they still need to know how they treated you or what they said.  Because that’s not cool, even among friends.

At the same time, be understanding.

Compliments

Today I was paid many praises and compliments.

Recently I had told a friend of mine that I had thought about withdrawing from school this semester.  My stubborn hide can’t really force myself to do something that I don’t want.  He wished to convince me that the best path would be to finish all of my classes – and to this he told me of my great potential:  I have beautiful entrancing eyes (not his words but will suffice for meaning), attractive, intelligent, and relatability.  If I didn’t know before, I know now.  Or at least to some degree that I indeed have a lot of power over people.  I had forgotten that and minimized my ability to have people walk in sync to my rhythm.  I still think of withdrawing, the only downside in my mind is financial.  But hearing that, there was a strange dream revived – to build a network of contacts and to enter a political realm where I may be able to put myself to some good use for society and myself.

I slowly thought, what if I got an Associates from the Academy of Art in San Francisco and instead got a psych degree with a biology minor here at BHSU? Saying this now I feel more inclined to keep a Bachelor’s in Illustration and study in my spare time all those other subjects that I couldn’t bear to receive a grade for.  I have many psych majors for friends… smart ones too.  Maybe they’ll teach me a few things about people, their interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships and I can connect a few dots on my own.  And maybe I will write a comic about it.

Today M told me that if I wanted to be with him I would need a career because he has to think about taking care of his kid on the way.  In that moment I realized, I still loved him very much and loved that he had matured to such a point.  I hope he and I keep growing.  Maybe one day again our paths will intertwine.

Compliments are special.  My friend Steve’s made me ponder ambition and game.  It was thrilling to hear such wonderful things about myself and I am going to put it to the test with some of my other friends.  I wonder if it’s true!  A long while ago, I was taught how to give a compliment.  There’s a little trick to it:  sincerity.  If you’re not being genuine, it comes out.  And at that time while I learned how to give a compliment (still haven’t learned much on how to take one) I’d learned to give them often.  There’s something beautiful about the way people’s eyes light up when they hear the truth in your words.  Sometimes it makes their day.  Be honest:  haven’t you ever gotten a compliment you couldn’t stop thinking about?  You told your friends about?  Ones that made you smile?  So here’s a compliment that can’t be spared:  you give the best hugs.  Whoever in the world you are.  Let that empower you, like it empowers me so that we may help raise each other up.

Battered

I read this while I was sitting in the a restaurant the other day:

He gave me flowers

I got flowers today. It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day.

We had our first argument last night and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.

I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said – because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.

Last night he threw me into a wall and then started to choke me.

It seemed like a nightmare but you wake up from nightmares to find that they aren’t real.

I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry – because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. And it wasn’t Valentines Day or any other special day.

Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me.

Makeup and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time.

I couldn’t go to work because I didn’t want anyone to know But I know he is sorry – because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today and it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day.

Last night he beat me again and it was much worse than all the other times.

If I leave him what will I do? How will I take care of the kids?

What about money? I’m afraid of him and too scared to leave him! But he must be sorry – because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night he finally killed me. I was beaten to death. If only I would have gathered enough courage and strength to leave him.

So I got flowers today – for the very last time.

The author is listed as being unknown.

There was something tragic about how it reminded me of my mother.  So to all the battered women out there, it can get better.  But you have to get out.  It’s truly a wonderful things to see how much my mother has grown and how happy she is with her new life partner who treats her right.  Take care of one another.