Here I Am

This is me. I come to this world so wild and free~

After winging the title that came back to me. Come to think of it, when I was younger I would loop-play Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron in the background. Constantly. The whole movie. And I would sing along the entire way. Great soundtrack!

Anywhoskiwhatsits – I’ve been MIA. For a while. A lot of things have happened since and similarly what happens when I skip out on my journal I have a hazy hash of updates. Some major decision that I’ve made:

– get a car
– get a license
– lose more weight (I went from 198 – 168-ish meow!)
– keep practicing my art skills
– learn more art paths
– DM a full campaign for Dungeons and Dragons
– keep in contact with my friends and family
– be healthy
– be more financially conscious
finish school (one way or another)

Let’s start with one of the biggest ambiguous decisions: school. Many people are enrolled in some form of tertiary education for a myriad of reasons. Bet though that many of us are here because we’ve been pelted with the same thought over and over – you can’t get a job if you don’t have a degree. (And if you don’t have a job, you can’t pay rent, eat, buy that snazzy new game that will have your fingers bleeding, and really life in general just dies. It just explodes and you temporarily cease to exist. Eventually you’ll just slink away into nothingness while your friends habitually comment on your unemployment-ness.) Happiness though, is compromised, by a lack of a degree.  (Which is ridiculous.)  Despite my fears and reservations I have enrolled for Fall semester pursuing a degree in Mass Communications w/ an emphasis in Graphic Communications and a minor in Biology. This was the best compromise for an art degree while keeping rounded and wouldn’t “waste” the credits of biology courses already taken. What led to this were tears, hard talks and painful epiphanies:

All my pain will continue to build until I no longer lumber to surmount them.  Somehow, almost three years later, I find my heart burning while walking near my old dorm hall and through various colleges.  So many things bring me back to unpleasant (understatement) memories.  I have to reconstruct not only my life but my self-image.  This means letting go of all the ideas and dreams I had with my fiance.  That is still so incredibly hard to do.  So I cut my hair, I chose a different major after taking a semester off and nearly failing out of two, establishing a new friend group, and trying so hard to depend on only myself.  Admittedly I am still bitter sometimes.  BUT that is not who I am as a person.  I’m a funny, quirky, adorable and caring person with a sensitive and loyal heart.

In my contemplations uni was one of the least amusing options.  Student loans aren’t fun and the flood of graduates coupled with the rising cost of tuition and textbooks (which are baloney) make me wonder.  Many people are falling out of school and pursuing other options.  What this boils down to is how I feel about one dream that lingers in my heart every waking moment:  to start a family.  Of all the things I long only for that, for that one chance to bear children and raise them.  One of my best friends likes to tease me about it but more importantly he likes to ask my why?  Why do I want kids so bad when the world is such a cold place?  So much time has passed and without even knowing, without his prompting, I finally have the words for the answer:  love.  I want to fill the world with more love.  In some way I hope that having uni will teach me to be a better artists and the social challenges of meeting people, befriending them, maintaining relationships will continue to provide me with valuable insight.  In other ways I hope that my education will benefit me and help me establish a sound environment free from most financial burdens.

Education is important regardless of the source.  Keep learning, keep studying.  Find your dreams and capture them!  Most importantly though love. Fill the world with love so it overflows and people can’t help but see it everywhere they look.

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When I’m Sick

When I’m sick, I like to pretend that all the air I breathe out is toxic and poisonous.  Then all the vapors and germs had some sort of mysterious purple form and it always comes out like a dragon sighing, “Paaaaah!”  When I’m sick, I like to pretend every little cough is like an earthquake inside my throat and lungs.  That way the little world I imagined inside me was experience a meltdown every time they failed to protect me from viruses.  Can’t always get it right, you know?  When I’m sick, I like to pretend that every second is my last, even with a minor cold, because the world seems so much prettier when you’re overly dramatic!  Appreciate.  When I’m sick, I like taking every moment I can to sleep or rest it off so I can wake up and pretend I just beat death.  Suddenly, I am on top of the world!  Even if for a few seconds.  When I’m sick, I’ve learned to appreciate all the times that I am kept awake because I’m too restless to sleep due to symptoms.  Because at those times I remember how silly I am and how dedicated I can be to making things.

     What do you do when you’re sick?

Dreams

Do you live in your dreams?  Are you able to control what happens in them at will?  Do you ever revisit them and continue the journey other nights?

     I was marching through the castle gardens – there was a small invasion.  My brigade was the first on the scene though I should really say that my captain’s brigade was first on the scene.  We defeated the assailants quickly and more time was spent cleaning up the palace grounds and tending to the few wounded.  But as I was headed back to the barracks I recalled my blade which must’ve been more lance like in length with a few spells and heard the whispers among my own comrades.  I didn’t bunk with them.  But then I saw her.  She was beautiful and she caught me off guard.

     I returned to my room, waving to the friends I made who lived in the hall.  But that is really all part of the dream I wish to remember.  Aside from the strange desert setting in the city outside the gates of the royal quarter, there was little to be explored.

     Dreams like this are fun.  It’s like living so many different lives at the same time.  I hope I can continue this one for a while.

In Sickness

It’s funny.  I feel like being real with myself in an attempt to hopefully cure some problems that ail me at this point in my life.  Ails me.  How ironic.

     As I sit here writing I’m currently feeling under the weather and have been for a couple of days now.  At first I experienced some problems with my sinuses which really isn’t that uncommon.  But then my throat starting feeling tender and the next day it hurt.  Though to be honest, coughing tends to irritate your throat if you do it enough.  The day after I spend now trying various things to soothe my aching throat.  Talking came out much harsher and harder than previous days and the first few words spent were on my roommate headed out the door for a job.  I didn’t speak for the rest of the day until after I ordered some pizza online, avoiding the tomato sauce and acidic things, and even then it was more mouthing than anything.  My poor confused delivery boy.  After a few bites and swallows of water I tried to speak some words like “Hello” which was hard to produce.  And I sounded absolutely ridiculous.  So coarse and raw.  I spent the whole day silently laughing to myself.  When my roommate finally came back he came back with our friend.  I was surprised and they spent a good time teasing me which was all in good humor.  It made my day feel less lonely and crummy because there was a laughable quality to it all.

     Then we traveled to Walmart.  I wanted soup.  Hot and Sour because I loved the taste and it was soup.  Our friend also suggested some yogurt to help keep my immune system up (good thing I actually really love the taste of yogurt) and I ran into a former coworker and her husband twice.  Such a beautiful couple!  Happy, healthy and they suggested some lozenges branded Chloraseptic.  Maximum dose!  My throat was killing me.  I wanted to cry at some points while we were there because it hurt so much and there was little else I could do.  I think perhaps I had tried speaking to much when they had arrived. 

     Now that I am back home and chilling on my laptop I think back to the hiring sign I saw at Pizza hut.  It’s not far from where I used to work.  Part of me thinks that I would at least be good at that job but I also fear that I will dismissed because I won’t fit in.  It really gets to me and I need that to stop because it’s interfering with me functioning as a healthy individual.  I mean, I have to pay rent among other things, you know?  This month is covered and if I buy absolutely nothing, I will have more than enough for next month too.  But I need a job.  Part of me thinks back to the post I saw about not staying in a job you hated and that the worst that could happen if you tried something new was failure.  Gosh, that’s not such a good word to hear.  People pick those moments out of you if they want to tear you down too.  Maybe instead of lovely Taco Bell I’ll shoot for Pizza Hut and try to be a decent server. 

     I’m behind on papers, or rather forms, for school as well.  I should really work on that because they keep calling me (which really doesn’t help because I can’t really speak).  I got a good start and realized dude, I know everything for the others.  I just have to print them off and mail them out.  I’ll probably send my high school transcripts with them too because bother, the ones I sent in were a bad copy. 

     All my complaints of the day.  So for now, I will focus on the fact that the person I love is happy at the moment, despite wanting to shake the winter weight I’m feeling rather comfortable with my 182.  There’s something about a little extra poundage that really is helping keeping me warm right now, and fluffy!  And I’m getting back into the habit of writing every day.  Something.  Even if it kind of sucks to hear what I say when I read it back to myself.  Have to keep journaling somehow. 

Completionist Problems: Tales of Vesperia

I pride myself in collecting everything possible in a game.  For the XBox 360, nothing seems more reassuring than the pings of another new achievement unlocked by yours truly.  And then I started looking deeper into Vesperia and cracked.  Approximately 17 hours into the game I realized that I had missed so much!  Mainly because I was using a guide to well, guide me.  Several side-quests missed, several opportunities for some badass weapons and stacking into an achievement or two that would remain undone until another playthrough.  Hence the start of a new game without my friend’s help so I can micromanage even more.  Because shouting, “You need to stop spamming your Artes because we don’t have any items for TP!” is really fun to hear.  Or say. 

     It boggles my mind that side-quests aren’t the beloved things I came to know in other games.  They are all textual really.  The ones I have encountered so far.  And they are very, very easy to miss! with little chance of redemption.  You savvy and cruel Tales games creators.  I should have known better – this wasn’t my first Tales game.

     In the end, with this new playthrough, I am taking it slow.  Because who needs to worry about one Speed run achievement while I level-grind and backtrack and zip all over the place?

     At least I have the Duke Pantarei side quests to keep me sated.  God that man is sexy.  See? 

ImageI borrowed this from Tumblr from someone named… cardevolve?  Does everyone else understand Tumblr besides me?

Perk of Being Friends With an Attractive Male

Once you get past the who liking that person – getting rejected helps – it’s nice to be able to settle down and be friends with a guy.  Especially if he’s pleasing to your eyes.  Currently in a photo studio of my old school, I’m helping out with a photo shoot.  The photographer in question had said, “You know (my name), you’ve seen me shirtless the most out of all my friends”.  And ironically, I have not slept with him.

     Here’s to eye candy!  And keeping to your principles! WhaBAM!

Spared and Saved

Not an entirely new idea to me but a good inspiration to keep me up and waiting for a chat with a dear friend.  I was surfing Facebook when I came across this post a friend had reposted from Writer’s Write.  Here’s a link to the page and here’s what I have come up with listening to “Coming Closer” by L’Arc~en~Ciel (and link to that song here):

Evarae sat still, full of intent.  A few more steps and her Grandmother would pass, pester her no longer.  The lamp light penetrated the comfortable darkness of her room, a dull radiance seeping in from the space under her door.  Her eyes furiously watched, breath held in tight, until at long last the light fell away and the sound of foot falls grew weak in the hall.  Breathe fell out.  Evarae’s body, then face, turned towards the balcony windows curtains drawn to let the full light of the moon in.  Was he well?  A foolish thing to hope, to wish, a folly to do.  But it was all she could set her mind to in these late hours.  Especially when the bright light of the moon stared back into her eyes.  They reminded her of his steely eyes and pallid complexion.  A beautiful lily. 

     Grandmother had always warned her, had always haunted her.  But he was nothing like the monsters she described and frightened Evarae with.  She closed her eyes and tried to form a picture of him in her mind.  Was he well?  It was a chilly night; did that bother him?  Another breath.  He had a rich voice, musical and solid.  Maybe is she tried hard enough her mind’s apparition would speak in his voice and help lull her to sleep on this restless night…

“Kill me and be done with it,” he had said.  Prepared, fearless.  Acceptance. 

     Beautiful.  Love.  She had experienced love in her heart.  The first sign she had given herself that she was still there, still human.  Was that possible to feel something so strongly after going so long without feeling anything at all…?  She wished she hadn’t felt it, she wished that it had not led to disappointment.  Even amidst her Grandmother’s assault, the endless lunges and kicks, she thought of it.  And even more of how she couldn’t bear the thought of going without such a pure emotion.  Throughout punishment Evarae felt once more the fondness that had freed her heart for but a moment.  Pain did not exist inside her, even as she panted and coughed up spots of blood.  So much warmth had been born inside.  She would never let go of it.  Never.

     Evarae hoped that even as the day neared she would remember his face. 

Roommates

So far there have been five roommates in my life over three years of living with people whom I wouldn’t consider my legal family. I’ve noticed some things, some differences in the way we behave versus the way I behave and cross the counter with everyone.

Two are engaged: and shall be known as the Engaged couple
Perfect goes to the first roommate.
Awesome goes to the second roommate.
Guy goes to the third roommate.

Some thing I have noticed so far: all the girls I have lived with and the Engaged, have always always brushed their teeth first thing in the morning. I do this as well – my mother and I had a “tragic” upset one lovely holiday morning while at her relatives place for Christmas. I think it is strange but all those ingredients better be protecting my teeth! Secondly, Perfect was the most meticulous about appearance. I can’t call them vain because I picked it up and it’s fun and feels great to look the best I can. Even in plain dress-up. Then follows would be me, honestly, then Engaged and Awesome are tied. Guy goes last. I should live with more single guys I think. So far I hear stereotypes in my head but there really aren’t many I find that spend much effort in starting off their day “right” – as my mom called it. Or at least this morning as I thought about it – he went straight for the tele and Dark Souls which he has been spamming on my XBox because he’s bored of his XBox One games.
On the list of who cares more about their appearance, we have different ways of tackling the issue. Awesome roommate worked out. A lot. Even while she was sick. Engaged and I had trouble getting her to sit still. She dressed casually and was going for that certifiable banging body – in her case she wanted to slim down her thighs which really weren’t that fat at all. They were smaller than mine. Perfect was already skinny from the get go with nice curves (I’m a little biased, I was engaged to this person). She addressed it by dressing in cute clothes and putting on make-up. Unless she wasn’t going out. Then she said, “Fuck it!” and just chilled with me. Engaged were casual and were pretty content whichever way they were. I thought that was really cool. Guy is somewhat… I’m not sure. He does not easily give into letting his thoughts out but I’m sure he has had some acceptance though displays signs of wanting to change.
Some casual things. I wonder what more will I see.

Photo Albums

One of my favorite things to do is thumb through photo albums (and scrapbooks).  It gives me a heightened sense of nostalgia, an experience I really dig.  I like to see how many of the memories captured in those pictures I actually remember.  How well is my memory doing?  How happy were those days?  What mess did I get myself into that time?

Recently I bought myself a photo album.  One of those one’s with the sticky pages.  It has a really generic cover but I think I can spice it up.  Just a little bit.  Because I have so many memories I would like to preserve it just felt like the right time.  How many movie experiences can I cram in there?  How many love notes? Apology notes, drawings and poems?  As far back as I can go, I want to remember those things and share them with my loved ones.

I also bought some shark stickers because I love them and they’re adorable.  But, one of them looks like Bruce and Bruce always has a soothing effect as he swims through my mind.  So why not leave an impression of him to guard my memories as well?

To Change, Or not to Change?

It’s a new year and while I was thinking about resolutions in general I thought about this humble little blog.  Or rather I thought more about whether or not I should sharpen the focus (because I tend to write on about any and every thing).  However, this functions as my personal public diary.  And since that is so, maybe I will continue to write about any and every thing.  Hence the name.

What is more fun to read than the autobiography of an average person?  (Heh, joke).  Just the same.  Perhaps this exists because I insanely enjoy observing and thinking about people, so let them observe me back.