Tag Archives: dreams

On Dreams

Last night I had a most peculiar dream:  I’d arrived at work in hours we don’t keep with a full-team awaiting me.  We were prepping the store for customers on this cold, December night with a fresh layer of snow awaiting the prancing of our feet.  As their supervisor, sleepy and barely there, I directed my crew and looked over some troublesome foodstuffs that seemed to be spoiled.  However, I noticed that I lacked a proper uniform and without license and car I’d have no way to make it to my apartment and back in time to open the store.  Looking through my crew members I’d asked an employee who I wish I could have left to manage the store in my place but she was the only one I trusted.

Time seemed to pass suddenly.  I had somehow made it back and without any real indication of why or how I had come there.  Wasn’t I to be at work?  I looked over and a good friend I once had romantic inclinations towards shuffled uncomfortably.  That’s an understatement – he was upset:  it emanated from his shifting posture.  My head was hazy, like I was constantly falling in and out of sleep and I simply asked him, “What is wrong?”  His words were not something I heard, they were something I saw:  a scrolling text of characters full of meaning.

“I don’t want to do this by myself.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to be a single parent.”  It hit me.  And yet, there was little comfort to offer.  On cue, it began.  The bleeding.  It was the soft sound of snow falling – barely audible.  Waterfalls of blood seeped from my nose and I became faint.  “Please.”  I don’t remember what happened after that.  My last thoughts were of sorrow, of regret.  That winter I had been diagnosed with cancer and a massive tumor was pressing on my brain which sometimes led to these sessions of bloodletting.  Like it were trying to relieve some of the pressure.  It was so white in my head that I could only apologize minimally, over and over, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to go.”

Almost two months pregnant.

I suppose it is not unnatural to find some meaning in your dreams.  Or to at least want to. People might say that there is no meaning, the science behind dreaming is unconfirmed.  It changes and rolls around and at this point, what do you really have to lose in believing something?

Dreams, I have always believed, can be something a little more.  There could be patterns of thought – do you find yourself in loop doing something over and over and getting the same result?  Are you doing that in life?  Are you constantly chasing things that you’ve chased in the past hoping something else will happen?  There could be strong emotions, attitudes felt or displayed in dreams – are you often angry? Sick?  Frustrated?  In pain?  Numb?  Do you find yourself expressing certain opinions?  If you feel strongly about the environment do you perhaps dream that you are a defender of it?  There could simply be the presence of something or someone.  Many things can happen and it’s all up to you, if you want, to find anything deeper than the experience of having that dream.  When I have nightmares, I try my hardest to remember what it was that triggered it.  Was it something I watched, read, or imagined?  Nightmares are some of the most powerful dreams and can help guide us to learn what might ail us and our thoughts.

I trust in my dreams to help me recenter myself.

For the above dreams, I know part of it stems from accepting my role as a manager as well as a display of a fear I have:  staying here in this town.  Becoming pregnant with a child would limit my mobility if it was with a certain person.  Not only that, the implication is strong is that there is now a commitment with them that I do not want to take place (though I once did).  Being sick in my dream is also another terrible fear exploited by imagination – I’ve prayed to one day have a child and to think that I might not have one or not have the ability to care for or witness my child’s life is devastating.  To leave loved ones behind because I fell sick.  My health is not in the best condition at the moment so it is natural for something like this to show up in my dreams.  However, I never expected to feel it so fully.

Nothing quite like having thoughts reflected back at you.



Do you live in your dreams?  Are you able to control what happens in them at will?  Do you ever revisit them and continue the journey other nights?

     I was marching through the castle gardens – there was a small invasion.  My brigade was the first on the scene though I should really say that my captain’s brigade was first on the scene.  We defeated the assailants quickly and more time was spent cleaning up the palace grounds and tending to the few wounded.  But as I was headed back to the barracks I recalled my blade which must’ve been more lance like in length with a few spells and heard the whispers among my own comrades.  I didn’t bunk with them.  But then I saw her.  She was beautiful and she caught me off guard.

     I returned to my room, waving to the friends I made who lived in the hall.  But that is really all part of the dream I wish to remember.  Aside from the strange desert setting in the city outside the gates of the royal quarter, there was little to be explored.

     Dreams like this are fun.  It’s like living so many different lives at the same time.  I hope I can continue this one for a while.

The Most Important Question You Can Ask Yourself

The Most Important Question You Can Ask Yourself

“Choose how you are willing to suffer.”

I read an article from Mark Manson with the above mentioned title and it was a great way to rearrange a perspective on something that we all know:  what do you want out of life?  Manson suggests we ask a different question – what pain are you willing to go through to obtain what you want out of life?  This phrasing made me realize something about myself.  It made me realize how far I am willing to go to get one person, to be close to one person.  And there is more.  I realize that I am willing to suffer through poverty to achieve certain dreams in life – like being an artist.  Or traveling which means I may never have a stable home.  So please read this article and if you can share, what are you willing to or have gone through to get what you want?


“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”

I really want to focus on the first stanza (it didn’t feel right to separate them).  It was taken (as duly noted above) from an excerpt of Tolkien’s book, The Fellowship of the Ring.  I’m feeling rather blue and rather nauseous, and I had a little mini text conversation with M in which I got a little fight.  It made me think of how far apart we’ve grown, how defensive we’ve become.  And that saddens me deeply.  The first stanza describes how I feel about our relationship. 

     Friends are some of the most important things in life.  They keep you going through thick and thin.  They’ll be the parasites that latch onto your couches and borrow copious amounts of your stuff, or bother you at the strangest (and at times most inconvenient) of hours.  They have the ability to break your heart, to fix it, to comfort and to push you in the right (or wrong) directions.  Friends enrich your life.  And M has enriched mine.

     One of the biggest reasons for me moving to California is M and Seth.  I am rather confused about my feelings about Seth and M at this point in my life.  I am leaving to see how I feel when I put space between me and Seth.  I already know that feeling with M and although I will live anywhere from 20 minutes or two hours, I will be on my own.  And I will go to school for something that has always pleased me.  And I will have that dream of sustaining myself, out in the world wandering all by my lonesome.  I think that lifestyle suits me.  I want to travel and there is so much one can do if we remember to take a few little steps outside our doorway every day.

     An open eye to the future, as I transition back into the Fool of the tarot I see many paths unwinding in front of me.  And the one I see that I am most at peace with is an image of me sitting at a small table in my dining room of my apartment, listening to the sounds surrounding me and just breathing in my lonesomeness, and my tranquility.  I could open up my door to whomever I wanted.  I could close it whenever I wanted and that suited me.  There are those periods when you need to take time for yourself.  I sometimes apply that perhaps much more liberally than some of my much warm-hearted friends may like.  I could decorate however I liked – open up that Yoshi shrine like I wanted.  But I have a feeling that there will always be an air underneath my feet lifting me to different avenues and adventures.  So, in the next ten or so years, we will see where my words and dreams and ambitions have carried me. 

     Now, for the second stanza because it is lovely:  take a fire in your spirit and brandish your weapon.  Strike forward and take the world by storm!  Not every day need be a cause, but it should be lived in honor of your dreams and your memories.  Seize the way!  Not all who wander are lost.