Tag Archives: life

Sent Home

A post after a long while.

It’s almost like writing a long overdue letter to a friend you forgot to keep contact with.

Today I wanted to talk about something a bit mundane.  I was sent home, deemed too sick to work.  Maybe it’s a cold, maybe it’s the flu (hope not, bet not) but either way, too sick to look healthy.  Currently I work at a Papa Murphys – one of those food chain stores.  Every day, all day, I am knees deep in food.  Unwrapping it, cutting, dicing, chopping, toting, storing and slathering and lathering it onto pizzas for moms to take home, it’s there all around me.  So fair, probably shouldn’t be at work.  No one is at fault truly.  Getting sent home so I don’t contaminate my coworkers or any foodstuffs is a safe call.  Plus I most definitely needed the rest.  What really bugs me… is that I need all the hours I am scheduled for.  Don’t you?

I am 23 now.  Huh.

23 and living in an apartment that rents out for $475 split with one roommate, a slight older.  It is nice, modest and the most affordable we have.  I pay roughly $237.50.  My half of utilities come roughly around $70 – $100 (including my internet bill).  Phone is around $70 (coming soon!) and the real killer is my student loan bill totaling $214 -ish every month.

My job is lovely.  At my 35 hours, I work just slightly more than I want, mornings from 8-3, 5 days a week.  Weekends are mine unless otherwise asked and I get paid $10/hour.  Which is more than I can say for some other people I know.  It gets me by.  There’s even this wonderful new ability I acquired called saving that is quickly building back up my savings account.

And it all works as long as I labor.

This month marks the first day that I actually have health insurance as per the law.  Which is nice.  Not noted above but noted now for this simple revelation: jobs that come with benefits are valuable.  Silly me, I didn’t comprehend that.  It really took me having to afford health insurance on my own in order to drive that fact into my head.  And it took over.  It replicated many, many times in my brain.  Having sick days, paid vacations, retirement plans built into your jobs, insurance, and on and on are all precious.  Perhaps you might not think so, perhaps you are better off.  But these offers are things that tend to be exclusively offered to full-time positions.

Which is where I finally come back around – I’m only a part-timer.  Problems ensue.  Still sick, still recovering but able to finally work after two days.  Those hours I missed are valuable.

But I am not alone.



Rules of Courtesy for Roommates

Condom packages on dining room table.  One used, empty.  The other still waiting.  Flour all over the kitchen counters, sink full of dishes and apartment air muggy.  Coffee table with dirty dishes, one plate with food still on it and two cups.

Here are some rules to help you and your roommate get along:

1)  Communicate:  when a problem arises, nip it in the bud and take care of it then and there.  The longer someone goes without speaking the more habitual and OK it becomes.  Listen to one another and find a good middle ground or compromise.

2)  Respect your roommate:  you are sharing a living space so ample amounts of respect needs to be had on both sides.

A)  If you make a mess, clean it up ASAP

B)  If you’re roommate’s sleeping and it is within their normal sleeping range, be quiet.

C)  Do not eat their food unless you’ve been given permission or have an arrangement set up beforehand.  If

     they have offered you some of their food or you’ve been given permission, check with them every time before

     you do – just in case.

          – this also applies to their things.  Coming back to a broken T.V. and no explanation or apology really hurts


     D)  If you are going to have guests over, check with your roommate.

– Guests are guests:  not extra roommates

– monitor your guests and make sure they are respectful to your place and your roommate and their things

– Boyfriends/Girlfriends:  try to keep the PDA levels at a minimum.  Please don’t go munching on each

others faces and grabbing you-know-what while they are around.  Teasing each other is ohk.  Starting a

porno on your couch in front of your roommate is not.

:  Sex is good and healthy, in certain doses.  Your roommate doesn’t need to hear you and your SO

going at it all the time though.  If you’re planning on having sex, give your roommate a heads up.

If your planning goes around the time that your roommate is due home and you haven’t given them a

heads up, plan as if they are coming home an hour early.

:  unless your romantic partner is living with you lease wise, they do not live with you.  It’s super

awkward to come back to find someone else’s stuff in your space.  It is also super awkward when you

see them as frequently as your roommate or more often.

:  for god’s sake, clean up too!

3)  Be Mature:  don’t be passive-aggressive!

“My roommate and I sometimes leave our things in common areas (for example the living room, kitchen).  Some nights I would come back home after he finally decided to clean and find all those things tossed into my room.  Literally tossed.  What really pissed me off was how much of his stuff still remained in the living room.  It was like I didn’t live there sometimes.”

It’s mean.  It’s evil.  And it can be downright fun sometimes.  However, your first response to situations should always be to communicate the idea that something’s not working out.  If tossing empty boxes of their newly bought toys doesn’t work, straight up tell them to take out the trash.  Bottom Line:  effectively communicate with one another.

4)  Know When to Call it Quits

It’s sucky.  You’ve tried to communicate with your roommate and it’s failed.  You’ve pleaded with your roommate to shape up and they just shrugged it off.  If you keep beating your head against the same wall and nothing is changing and you only wind up with a worse headache, you’ve reached insanity.  This is the point when you should seriously consider moving out.  Sometimes communication fails.  Sometimes they don’t care enough about the things that bother you to change or improve upon their bad habits.  Sometimes you can’t make compromises.  Whatever the reasons if your home is no longer a home, or a sanctuary, you need to get out.  You should always look forward to coming home to recharge and get some R and R.

Stress needs to be managed and it can involve something drastic:  like moving out.  It’s can be scary (I know)!  You’re leaving an established abode and traveling into the unknown.  But if you don’t make an effort to change something you’re not going to feel any better.

I’ll write up a little post on how to move out later.  Probably once I start my own process because my current living arrangement isn’t working out.

Friends are dandy and all, and living with them can lead to good times.  But you either become closer than ever before or you become the murder suspect.  Take Away:  Good friends don’t always make for good roommates.

Here I Am

This is me. I come to this world so wild and free~

After winging the title that came back to me. Come to think of it, when I was younger I would loop-play Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron in the background. Constantly. The whole movie. And I would sing along the entire way. Great soundtrack!

Anywhoskiwhatsits – I’ve been MIA. For a while. A lot of things have happened since and similarly what happens when I skip out on my journal I have a hazy hash of updates. Some major decision that I’ve made:

– get a car
– get a license
– lose more weight (I went from 198 – 168-ish meow!)
– keep practicing my art skills
– learn more art paths
– DM a full campaign for Dungeons and Dragons
– keep in contact with my friends and family
– be healthy
– be more financially conscious
finish school (one way or another)

Let’s start with one of the biggest ambiguous decisions: school. Many people are enrolled in some form of tertiary education for a myriad of reasons. Bet though that many of us are here because we’ve been pelted with the same thought over and over – you can’t get a job if you don’t have a degree. (And if you don’t have a job, you can’t pay rent, eat, buy that snazzy new game that will have your fingers bleeding, and really life in general just dies. It just explodes and you temporarily cease to exist. Eventually you’ll just slink away into nothingness while your friends habitually comment on your unemployment-ness.) Happiness though, is compromised, by a lack of a degree.  (Which is ridiculous.)  Despite my fears and reservations I have enrolled for Fall semester pursuing a degree in Mass Communications w/ an emphasis in Graphic Communications and a minor in Biology. This was the best compromise for an art degree while keeping rounded and wouldn’t “waste” the credits of biology courses already taken. What led to this were tears, hard talks and painful epiphanies:

All my pain will continue to build until I no longer lumber to surmount them.  Somehow, almost three years later, I find my heart burning while walking near my old dorm hall and through various colleges.  So many things bring me back to unpleasant (understatement) memories.  I have to reconstruct not only my life but my self-image.  This means letting go of all the ideas and dreams I had with my fiance.  That is still so incredibly hard to do.  So I cut my hair, I chose a different major after taking a semester off and nearly failing out of two, establishing a new friend group, and trying so hard to depend on only myself.  Admittedly I am still bitter sometimes.  BUT that is not who I am as a person.  I’m a funny, quirky, adorable and caring person with a sensitive and loyal heart.

In my contemplations uni was one of the least amusing options.  Student loans aren’t fun and the flood of graduates coupled with the rising cost of tuition and textbooks (which are baloney) make me wonder.  Many people are falling out of school and pursuing other options.  What this boils down to is how I feel about one dream that lingers in my heart every waking moment:  to start a family.  Of all the things I long only for that, for that one chance to bear children and raise them.  One of my best friends likes to tease me about it but more importantly he likes to ask my why?  Why do I want kids so bad when the world is such a cold place?  So much time has passed and without even knowing, without his prompting, I finally have the words for the answer:  love.  I want to fill the world with more love.  In some way I hope that having uni will teach me to be a better artists and the social challenges of meeting people, befriending them, maintaining relationships will continue to provide me with valuable insight.  In other ways I hope that my education will benefit me and help me establish a sound environment free from most financial burdens.

Education is important regardless of the source.  Keep learning, keep studying.  Find your dreams and capture them!  Most importantly though love. Fill the world with love so it overflows and people can’t help but see it everywhere they look.

In Sickness

It’s funny.  I feel like being real with myself in an attempt to hopefully cure some problems that ail me at this point in my life.  Ails me.  How ironic.

     As I sit here writing I’m currently feeling under the weather and have been for a couple of days now.  At first I experienced some problems with my sinuses which really isn’t that uncommon.  But then my throat starting feeling tender and the next day it hurt.  Though to be honest, coughing tends to irritate your throat if you do it enough.  The day after I spend now trying various things to soothe my aching throat.  Talking came out much harsher and harder than previous days and the first few words spent were on my roommate headed out the door for a job.  I didn’t speak for the rest of the day until after I ordered some pizza online, avoiding the tomato sauce and acidic things, and even then it was more mouthing than anything.  My poor confused delivery boy.  After a few bites and swallows of water I tried to speak some words like “Hello” which was hard to produce.  And I sounded absolutely ridiculous.  So coarse and raw.  I spent the whole day silently laughing to myself.  When my roommate finally came back he came back with our friend.  I was surprised and they spent a good time teasing me which was all in good humor.  It made my day feel less lonely and crummy because there was a laughable quality to it all.

     Then we traveled to Walmart.  I wanted soup.  Hot and Sour because I loved the taste and it was soup.  Our friend also suggested some yogurt to help keep my immune system up (good thing I actually really love the taste of yogurt) and I ran into a former coworker and her husband twice.  Such a beautiful couple!  Happy, healthy and they suggested some lozenges branded Chloraseptic.  Maximum dose!  My throat was killing me.  I wanted to cry at some points while we were there because it hurt so much and there was little else I could do.  I think perhaps I had tried speaking to much when they had arrived. 

     Now that I am back home and chilling on my laptop I think back to the hiring sign I saw at Pizza hut.  It’s not far from where I used to work.  Part of me thinks that I would at least be good at that job but I also fear that I will dismissed because I won’t fit in.  It really gets to me and I need that to stop because it’s interfering with me functioning as a healthy individual.  I mean, I have to pay rent among other things, you know?  This month is covered and if I buy absolutely nothing, I will have more than enough for next month too.  But I need a job.  Part of me thinks back to the post I saw about not staying in a job you hated and that the worst that could happen if you tried something new was failure.  Gosh, that’s not such a good word to hear.  People pick those moments out of you if they want to tear you down too.  Maybe instead of lovely Taco Bell I’ll shoot for Pizza Hut and try to be a decent server. 

     I’m behind on papers, or rather forms, for school as well.  I should really work on that because they keep calling me (which really doesn’t help because I can’t really speak).  I got a good start and realized dude, I know everything for the others.  I just have to print them off and mail them out.  I’ll probably send my high school transcripts with them too because bother, the ones I sent in were a bad copy. 

     All my complaints of the day.  So for now, I will focus on the fact that the person I love is happy at the moment, despite wanting to shake the winter weight I’m feeling rather comfortable with my 182.  There’s something about a little extra poundage that really is helping keeping me warm right now, and fluffy!  And I’m getting back into the habit of writing every day.  Something.  Even if it kind of sucks to hear what I say when I read it back to myself.  Have to keep journaling somehow. 

Coffee Break: Magic of Counselors

Today was a in part spent talking to Tracy about a myriad of topics – as usual.  I’d like to say I am thankful for the practitioners of mental health, disorder, and illness.  Without the aid of certain counselors I am sure I would have gone bonkers way back when.

((And I am also thankful for phone reminders.  They are a lifesaver.  (Really.)

As I was about to step outside the door for crickets for Sebastian my tiger salamander, my phone beeped.  Up came my counselor’s name and I felt a bit sheepish for forgetting such an important appointment.  So my extremely awesome roommate drove me to the Student Union and the session was on!  My conclusions:

We talked about many things, as usual.  I talked to her about my relationships with my friends and how the guy I have feelings for (we’re beyond crush now!) tried hooking me up with another one of my friends whom I have no attraction to on my birthday.  I even brought it up when he, myself and my roommate went out for a little something to drink.  I simply, “So-and-so aren’t going to work out.  Stop it.”  But then he wanted to know why.  “I don’t want to.”  He’s not my type – he’s not aggressive enough.  I like aggressive people.  Plus having the person you like try to dump you on someone else (although so-and-so would make a good boyfriend) is annoying and just blows in general.  #1:  If someone tells you they don’t want to date another person, 8/10, don’t push it.

This lead to an interesting tangent on being single.  I was told that I will be single forever unless I lower my standards and stop being picky.  #2:  I will lower my standards when…  Actually I won’t.  The few times I have it hasn’t gone well for me.  #3:  I enjoy being picky.  I guess it is hard for him to understand as well because he doesn’t like being lonely.  I’m not sure many people do.  But I don’t feel lonely.  I’m enjoying being alone.  #4:  Being alone can be a good thing!  I’m learning more things about myself and I have more time to enjoy it.  I don’t feel like I am attached to someone else’s schedule or manner of doing things.  #5:  Independence rocks both in and out of relationships!  

This tangent on being single lead to another tangent on getting laid.   So we looked at my roommate who could use a happy ending and this lead to several new conclusions.  #6 Ayinger Oktober Fest-Marzen (http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/39/1361 see what people are saying about it there) is really good.  I was a little buzzed after drinking a glass of Magners and hammering through this Ayinger.  #7:  Common sense – you don’t make your best decisions with alcohol.  A slap bet was issued!  It was decided that my roommate and I would race to christen our little apartment.  First one to get laid in the apartment wins and according to Slap Bet Commissioner’s rules the number of slaps (oh, multiple slaps now) is in proportion to time (though I’m not exactly sure in what way) and if he suspects any one of us is trying to let the other person win then there will be consequences.  This leads to #8 and #9, respectively, Slap Bets are ridiculously fun! if and only if You and the other person are competitive if it applies, otherwise you better be betting on an outcome like I bet so-and-so is not going to pass their test tomorrow!  I am extremely competitive.  My roommate?  Not.  At.  All.  In all truth I would like for him to win.

Other than that my relationships with people have been really awesome.  I’m feeling less guilty about cutting out the dead weight in my life and do my best to keep open positive and potentially beneficial partnerships down the road.  #10:  If at any time in your life you are unsure of what to do (like in a relationship) that’s ohk as long as you don’t stay there.  Don’t let people hang and don’t let them wait for extended periods of time.  That’s cruel.  For parents, in my situation, that’s true as well.  I am unsure of what relationship I wish to have with my parents, but at this point in my conversation with Tracy, we’re focusing on my mom who took care of me.  We struggle because we are very different people (who doesn’t have this problem) and value so many different things.   We also struggle for power because our interactions weren’t always of the typical daughter-mother type.  #11:  Don’t be afraid to say what you want even if it hurts someone.  I’m still learning how to do this.  I don’t wish to spend Christmas with them, and I have a lot of non-personal reasons I need to be back before the actual holidays.  #12:  Family exists outside of blood.  She’s my stepmom.  We struggle to communicate all the time.  My biological parents and I don’t have a very good relationship with one another.  They haven’t been there.  That’s ohk.  I’ve friends who are truly more my family than the people who took care of me (sorry mom! [referencing above mentioned Step Mom]).  #13:  You are the biggest factor in determining how you handle your life.  Create your world to suit yourself.  Let go of the toxins and the poisonous influence.

Our last topic was spared a bit on future plans.  Financially it would be smarter for me to stay in my current “city” and save like a mad man and then move out to California.  I’d hate to wait, but this is one of those times that I need to plan it out right.  #14:  Be spontaneous, not rash.  There’s a good difference there.  I simply don’t have the money.  I also would need to secure a job.  Kind of hard when you’re several states away and you work at a local pizza place.  In the meantime, I’m going to allow myself to focus on art.  The last conclusions I came to carried over from last night.  #15:  Keep educating yourself in whatever way possible.  I can’t tell you how much I learn from Stumble Upon, listening to people’s conversations (not as creepy as it sounds!), doing things, playing video games, and reading anything!  Keep yourself stimulated!

And now for the conclusion of this masterfully long post:  #16:  Live your life for you.  It’s yours.  So enjoy it! : 3

“’Single’ is an opportunity to live life on your own terms and not apologize.”

– Mandy Hale

I found out a really good friend of mine may be starting a blog about being single and that’s exciting.  I’m looking for it in the next month.  In the meanwhile, some food for thought:  there are many perks to being single.  And while I sit there and think on it I find that there are many things I appreciate that, while alone, am also thankful.

What say you guys who glimpse this over?

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”
– Charles R. Swindoll

If you ridicule your child’s dreams, they’ll remember.
If you demean your child’s interests, they’ll remember.
Your words mean the world to your children.

If you tease your children’s passions, be cautious.Joking is fine, but using humor to brush aside precious words is harmful.


Today I was paid many praises and compliments.

Recently I had told a friend of mine that I had thought about withdrawing from school this semester.  My stubborn hide can’t really force myself to do something that I don’t want.  He wished to convince me that the best path would be to finish all of my classes – and to this he told me of my great potential:  I have beautiful entrancing eyes (not his words but will suffice for meaning), attractive, intelligent, and relatability.  If I didn’t know before, I know now.  Or at least to some degree that I indeed have a lot of power over people.  I had forgotten that and minimized my ability to have people walk in sync to my rhythm.  I still think of withdrawing, the only downside in my mind is financial.  But hearing that, there was a strange dream revived – to build a network of contacts and to enter a political realm where I may be able to put myself to some good use for society and myself.

I slowly thought, what if I got an Associates from the Academy of Art in San Francisco and instead got a psych degree with a biology minor here at BHSU? Saying this now I feel more inclined to keep a Bachelor’s in Illustration and study in my spare time all those other subjects that I couldn’t bear to receive a grade for.  I have many psych majors for friends… smart ones too.  Maybe they’ll teach me a few things about people, their interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships and I can connect a few dots on my own.  And maybe I will write a comic about it.

Today M told me that if I wanted to be with him I would need a career because he has to think about taking care of his kid on the way.  In that moment I realized, I still loved him very much and loved that he had matured to such a point.  I hope he and I keep growing.  Maybe one day again our paths will intertwine.

Compliments are special.  My friend Steve’s made me ponder ambition and game.  It was thrilling to hear such wonderful things about myself and I am going to put it to the test with some of my other friends.  I wonder if it’s true!  A long while ago, I was taught how to give a compliment.  There’s a little trick to it:  sincerity.  If you’re not being genuine, it comes out.  And at that time while I learned how to give a compliment (still haven’t learned much on how to take one) I’d learned to give them often.  There’s something beautiful about the way people’s eyes light up when they hear the truth in your words.  Sometimes it makes their day.  Be honest:  haven’t you ever gotten a compliment you couldn’t stop thinking about?  You told your friends about?  Ones that made you smile?  So here’s a compliment that can’t be spared:  you give the best hugs.  Whoever in the world you are.  Let that empower you, like it empowers me so that we may help raise each other up.

G Darius

Jammin’ out to a soundtrack that makes my heart race with so much excitement.

G-Darius was one of the rare games that I truly miss from my childhood.  My brother and I could sink hours and hours into it, replaying scenarios to make different choices that either ended in utter failure or joyous new high scores.  There’s a little scheme in the game that let’s you capture enemy battle ships and absorb them, charge your beam and unleash a godly smiting power.  Once, just once in my life, I made the most beautiful beam where I crushed the enemy boss in the Beam Duel.  Crazed, I mashed X as fast as my little fingers could handle, and saw as the entire screen was engulfed in beautiful triumphant blue.

Death to all those who oppose me!

Sometimes I think back to that moment, when all I knew as a child was that this was how you moved up and down and this button fires bullets.  Looking back on it, like so many other things, I realize there was actually a story, a reason for all the fighting and nonsensical wonder that surrounded my brother and I as we crusaded through levels, massive side-scrolling missions that he pursued with such tactical coordination.  On the other hand, my little ship would go down… often.  But all the same, it was fun, it was fun!

I learned some new things about my favorite PlayStation game.  To relive the nostalgia, I checked the price on Amazon – $143.87 (which is a bit devastating).  Luckily there are such things as other places to shop and used games.  Seems a bit much to surf through a world gunning down fish to an intense soundtrack ran by Zuntata.  But no matter what, I will play this game once more!  And like a little kid with an unstoppable grin, I’ll sit in my corner of the world, handheld in my hands (apparently it’s possible to buy on the PSP!) and create more beautiful memories.


One of the most beloved things were the key tones of a dial pad.

For the most part, life had been a complete blur of events.  Many memories had slipped through colours of sunsets and sundowns that the most relative parts became increasingly hard to grasp.  As I grew older, so did my heart grow weary from isolation and lack of stimulation.  It is hard to state with confidence that I was indeed alive in the beautiful sense of the word.  A hollow being masquerading.

As an adolescent my head felt static – a horrible numbness that I never wish to return to.  My attitude was apathetic:  what would be would be without my consent; destiny.  The day I learned to read and understand the abstract concept of words was a day of salvation.  With this newfound power I learned the secret portal to a myriad of worlds, wishes and dreams.  And that is how I marched on, never truly attaching myself to any one thing except little books and grandiose stories (some imagined, some discovered).  They gave me the emotions I lacked in life, reality later to be echoed, reinvented in my dreams, daydreams.  Some of the best times I had as a kid were when I was sleeping, dreaming despite the significant amount of nightmares.  A whole range of feelings was discovered as I ran my fingers nervously across pages of heroes, powerful men and women who never gave up.  I admired them.  Nights were spent running with the wolves, dancing among fierce battles parrying invisible blades from a dastardly enemy who sought every chance to slight me.  But no matter how many times I closed my eyes and laid out the scenes, the characters, the plots, I’d always realize that it was not to be.

I’m here. In this world where my family is falling apart.  Where people antagonize each other because they didn’t know better.  That’s the kind of place I live in, the situation I’m in.

And it progressively grew worse and worse.

I entered the eighth grade, a very interesting year.  Already in sixth and seventh grade my stepmother’s influence was growing faint…  By eighth, though the details are still hazy, she had moved out and onto the economy.  And then it was myself, my older brother and my younger brother left with my dad.  The haze in my mind grew, the desire to be elsewhere, anywhere but home intensified and school became my salvation each and every weekday.  I studied hard, for it soon became a saving grace, the trump card to deny interaction with my father.  The dreaded awkwardness.

But I was still lonely.  I justified my inability to make meaningful friends by telling myself that deep down, I didn’t deserve them.  It became the whole of my existence that happiness wasn’t mine to obtain though dearly in my heart I wished so strongly to achieve it.  I thought that if I got close enough, reached out, I could preserve one little piece to tide me over until my inevitable death.  Desperation crippled me.  Guilt destroyed me.  Little by little, what was left of my desire to continue living was chiseled away.  I rode on a bus that sent me back to the hole I crawled out of, the abyss my brothers and I endured…  I really can’t call it that.  It just was, and we just existed as entities in that space.  We weren’t people anymore, we weren’t human.  I went back to my home, my darkness and died every day trying to survive.

My room was my solace.  I could use it to shut out almost of the pain scratching at my door.  I ached and projected my feelings and needs of comfort onto stuffed animals whom I cried at the thought of being mine.  Experiencing my distress, my suffering, why did they need to be exposed to that?  I drowned in an anesthetic developed through witness to the dismantling of my identity and purpose as an individual of a society.  Why should they deserve to also be in this environment?  But I couldn’t bare for anything to leave…  I couldn’t bear to think that they would leave.  Because despite all the voices I heard from my environment, it didn’t feel as lonely as realizing that there was nothing there to hold me.

Death was a pleasant past time.  I dreamed so fondly of it.  It seemed like bliss, like a beautiful escape.  But I couldn’t take anyone with me.  My dear beloved items, though only possessions, were my family.  I didn’t want to leave them behind.  Many days I fought the urge to break skin or fall through my window or sink into a watery slumber.  But they always pulled me back.  My family I had created preserved enough of me to meet one key person:  M.