Tag Archives: love

Here I Am

This is me. I come to this world so wild and free~

After winging the title that came back to me. Come to think of it, when I was younger I would loop-play Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron in the background. Constantly. The whole movie. And I would sing along the entire way. Great soundtrack!

Anywhoskiwhatsits – I’ve been MIA. For a while. A lot of things have happened since and similarly what happens when I skip out on my journal I have a hazy hash of updates. Some major decision that I’ve made:

– get a car
– get a license
– lose more weight (I went from 198 – 168-ish meow!)
– keep practicing my art skills
– learn more art paths
– DM a full campaign for Dungeons and Dragons
– keep in contact with my friends and family
– be healthy
– be more financially conscious
finish school (one way or another)

Let’s start with one of the biggest ambiguous decisions: school. Many people are enrolled in some form of tertiary education for a myriad of reasons. Bet though that many of us are here because we’ve been pelted with the same thought over and over – you can’t get a job if you don’t have a degree. (And if you don’t have a job, you can’t pay rent, eat, buy that snazzy new game that will have your fingers bleeding, and really life in general just dies. It just explodes and you temporarily cease to exist. Eventually you’ll just slink away into nothingness while your friends habitually comment on your unemployment-ness.) Happiness though, is compromised, by a lack of a degree.  (Which is ridiculous.)  Despite my fears and reservations I have enrolled for Fall semester pursuing a degree in Mass Communications w/ an emphasis in Graphic Communications and a minor in Biology. This was the best compromise for an art degree while keeping rounded and wouldn’t “waste” the credits of biology courses already taken. What led to this were tears, hard talks and painful epiphanies:

All my pain will continue to build until I no longer lumber to surmount them.  Somehow, almost three years later, I find my heart burning while walking near my old dorm hall and through various colleges.  So many things bring me back to unpleasant (understatement) memories.  I have to reconstruct not only my life but my self-image.  This means letting go of all the ideas and dreams I had with my fiance.  That is still so incredibly hard to do.  So I cut my hair, I chose a different major after taking a semester off and nearly failing out of two, establishing a new friend group, and trying so hard to depend on only myself.  Admittedly I am still bitter sometimes.  BUT that is not who I am as a person.  I’m a funny, quirky, adorable and caring person with a sensitive and loyal heart.

In my contemplations uni was one of the least amusing options.  Student loans aren’t fun and the flood of graduates coupled with the rising cost of tuition and textbooks (which are baloney) make me wonder.  Many people are falling out of school and pursuing other options.  What this boils down to is how I feel about one dream that lingers in my heart every waking moment:  to start a family.  Of all the things I long only for that, for that one chance to bear children and raise them.  One of my best friends likes to tease me about it but more importantly he likes to ask my why?  Why do I want kids so bad when the world is such a cold place?  So much time has passed and without even knowing, without his prompting, I finally have the words for the answer:  love.  I want to fill the world with more love.  In some way I hope that having uni will teach me to be a better artists and the social challenges of meeting people, befriending them, maintaining relationships will continue to provide me with valuable insight.  In other ways I hope that my education will benefit me and help me establish a sound environment free from most financial burdens.

Education is important regardless of the source.  Keep learning, keep studying.  Find your dreams and capture them!  Most importantly though love. Fill the world with love so it overflows and people can’t help but see it everywhere they look.

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Cloud Atlas

Inspiration:  Cloud Atlas, the movie.

As much as it might come across I hope this doesn’t sound too much like a love letter.  It is not meant to be.

I’ve cried tonight and the tears I’ve given are not of the sad kind nor the melancholic.  They are tears of discovery and happiness that the jaded quality that once shaded my heart may have cracked and broken off piece by piece.  I’ve had my faith in love, immortal, restored, somehow.  The love that endures all life and time, that is finally made tangible through the trials of and celebrations of our lives.  There is such a thing, I’ve felt it before.

It is funny to think that now my fingers glide dreamily over my keys, unable to contain my excitement.  There’s something ethereal about the feeling of revival itself that I am not sure I can quite explain.  It began with words and a glance.  I can see the wonder between the distance between us as the same as that between the stars.  We are all meant to belong.

I’m happy in my heart thinking that I am indeed a young 21.  And I am tired of being so impatient.  I am tired of expecting things to happen right this moment though it might thrill my heart to fantasize about the what-ifs and might-bes.  There’s so much time in our young lives to get to know each other that we ought to do it more intimately.  I wish I could reach out and touch the heart of every individual for every person I see I can almost definitely see the parts of me and the parts of they, we two, have in common.

Progress in waiting and in creating the steps that lead to your goals.  I can see it.  My heart feels pressed for time for some unknown reason and partly because every day becomes a reminder that days are golden tinted with silver stitches across a moment, a chance moment.  Things keep getting better and try as I might, I have lived and will live my life to accept you, one day, when we are both ready.  And even if that day may not come in this lifetime then I shall travel to the next and wait eagerly.

Have faith.

There is someone.

Love be to those who hold on.

Coffee Break: College Is Not For Everyone

Today I was talking to a very good friend of mine.  He’s Canadian (not that I have anything against Canada – the more I learn about the country the more I fall in love with it.  Not the point.  End of this tangent!) and full of experiences that I very much needed to hear.  I always known he had dropped out of college and during this little dessert time (which needs to be a major thing for everyone) I asked him why.  Finally.

I’ve been struggling in college.  I’ve written about it some but I don’t think I ever got to the heart of the problem or the major cause of turmoil.  There are many things I have loved about college – social life, growth in personal matters, increasing independence, and freedom (which I suppose is related to the previous one).  But there are a lot of things that have hurt.  Academically, I’m pretty much failing.

So he shared his story which I will shameless share:  my friend had taken his dad’s advice and gone straight to college after high school.  But in his heart what he had wanted was to take a break from schooling and travel and just live.  It reminded me of what I wanted.  He told me he went into college and pretty much drew “a major from a hat” and partied all the time because he didn’t want to go to school.  Eventually he dropped out and joined the military and while there he learned something valuable:  he wanted to get back into college.  I nearly leaped out of my seat.  I jumped and said to him, “You know how you were then, right?  That’s how I am now!”  I needed someone to connect to, even if the person in my nearest sights is actually three years younger than I am.

Reality checks.  College is for a certain population.  Be ready.  Some times we will make mistakes (like me) and that you need to know it’s ohk to make those mistakes as long as you learn from them like I am continually learning from mine.  As much as I would like to give up and throw in the towel, I know that even with a degree in anything I can still accomplish one dream of a younger me:  travel to Korea, a land which I feel so connected and disconnects, and live there. I have friends that love and care for me that help check me so that I don’t completely dive off the cliff side.  But allow just enough slack to let me travel into some really interesting areas.
How about you guys?

Compliments

Today I was paid many praises and compliments.

Recently I had told a friend of mine that I had thought about withdrawing from school this semester.  My stubborn hide can’t really force myself to do something that I don’t want.  He wished to convince me that the best path would be to finish all of my classes – and to this he told me of my great potential:  I have beautiful entrancing eyes (not his words but will suffice for meaning), attractive, intelligent, and relatability.  If I didn’t know before, I know now.  Or at least to some degree that I indeed have a lot of power over people.  I had forgotten that and minimized my ability to have people walk in sync to my rhythm.  I still think of withdrawing, the only downside in my mind is financial.  But hearing that, there was a strange dream revived – to build a network of contacts and to enter a political realm where I may be able to put myself to some good use for society and myself.

I slowly thought, what if I got an Associates from the Academy of Art in San Francisco and instead got a psych degree with a biology minor here at BHSU? Saying this now I feel more inclined to keep a Bachelor’s in Illustration and study in my spare time all those other subjects that I couldn’t bear to receive a grade for.  I have many psych majors for friends… smart ones too.  Maybe they’ll teach me a few things about people, their interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships and I can connect a few dots on my own.  And maybe I will write a comic about it.

Today M told me that if I wanted to be with him I would need a career because he has to think about taking care of his kid on the way.  In that moment I realized, I still loved him very much and loved that he had matured to such a point.  I hope he and I keep growing.  Maybe one day again our paths will intertwine.

Compliments are special.  My friend Steve’s made me ponder ambition and game.  It was thrilling to hear such wonderful things about myself and I am going to put it to the test with some of my other friends.  I wonder if it’s true!  A long while ago, I was taught how to give a compliment.  There’s a little trick to it:  sincerity.  If you’re not being genuine, it comes out.  And at that time while I learned how to give a compliment (still haven’t learned much on how to take one) I’d learned to give them often.  There’s something beautiful about the way people’s eyes light up when they hear the truth in your words.  Sometimes it makes their day.  Be honest:  haven’t you ever gotten a compliment you couldn’t stop thinking about?  You told your friends about?  Ones that made you smile?  So here’s a compliment that can’t be spared:  you give the best hugs.  Whoever in the world you are.  Let that empower you, like it empowers me so that we may help raise each other up.

National Coming Out Day

Today is a very special day: a day where parents and friends are preempted with ideas, expectations, from individuals racking their minds some ill at ease to say something simple.

This is my story: I was in high school andin an uplifting relationship with M. Most people knew that we were dating and for all that they could surmise, I was gay. M is transgender, something I can say no more on our of respect. He didn’t really want people to know. And we were lesbians. But I was content, and faithful for my heart yearned for one person. And this lead to an important discovery about my sexuality.

I was fortunate that the person I grew to love found me, waited, prepped and asked me out. M brought me out of my shell and broke down the cement walls I had barricaded my heart with, my being. The parts of me so long locked away. And if that had not happened, if he had not sensitized me to the world, tapped into my empathy, sympathy, I would have lost an opportunity at one great love. Because I was close minded.

I am pansexual. And  I have proudly let people know when they ask.

Have best ask those who exist: Smile for no matter the adversity, happiness is set to ebb and flow.

Background

One of the most beloved things were the key tones of a dial pad.

For the most part, life had been a complete blur of events.  Many memories had slipped through colours of sunsets and sundowns that the most relative parts became increasingly hard to grasp.  As I grew older, so did my heart grow weary from isolation and lack of stimulation.  It is hard to state with confidence that I was indeed alive in the beautiful sense of the word.  A hollow being masquerading.

As an adolescent my head felt static – a horrible numbness that I never wish to return to.  My attitude was apathetic:  what would be would be without my consent; destiny.  The day I learned to read and understand the abstract concept of words was a day of salvation.  With this newfound power I learned the secret portal to a myriad of worlds, wishes and dreams.  And that is how I marched on, never truly attaching myself to any one thing except little books and grandiose stories (some imagined, some discovered).  They gave me the emotions I lacked in life, reality later to be echoed, reinvented in my dreams, daydreams.  Some of the best times I had as a kid were when I was sleeping, dreaming despite the significant amount of nightmares.  A whole range of feelings was discovered as I ran my fingers nervously across pages of heroes, powerful men and women who never gave up.  I admired them.  Nights were spent running with the wolves, dancing among fierce battles parrying invisible blades from a dastardly enemy who sought every chance to slight me.  But no matter how many times I closed my eyes and laid out the scenes, the characters, the plots, I’d always realize that it was not to be.

I’m here. In this world where my family is falling apart.  Where people antagonize each other because they didn’t know better.  That’s the kind of place I live in, the situation I’m in.

And it progressively grew worse and worse.

I entered the eighth grade, a very interesting year.  Already in sixth and seventh grade my stepmother’s influence was growing faint…  By eighth, though the details are still hazy, she had moved out and onto the economy.  And then it was myself, my older brother and my younger brother left with my dad.  The haze in my mind grew, the desire to be elsewhere, anywhere but home intensified and school became my salvation each and every weekday.  I studied hard, for it soon became a saving grace, the trump card to deny interaction with my father.  The dreaded awkwardness.

But I was still lonely.  I justified my inability to make meaningful friends by telling myself that deep down, I didn’t deserve them.  It became the whole of my existence that happiness wasn’t mine to obtain though dearly in my heart I wished so strongly to achieve it.  I thought that if I got close enough, reached out, I could preserve one little piece to tide me over until my inevitable death.  Desperation crippled me.  Guilt destroyed me.  Little by little, what was left of my desire to continue living was chiseled away.  I rode on a bus that sent me back to the hole I crawled out of, the abyss my brothers and I endured…  I really can’t call it that.  It just was, and we just existed as entities in that space.  We weren’t people anymore, we weren’t human.  I went back to my home, my darkness and died every day trying to survive.

My room was my solace.  I could use it to shut out almost of the pain scratching at my door.  I ached and projected my feelings and needs of comfort onto stuffed animals whom I cried at the thought of being mine.  Experiencing my distress, my suffering, why did they need to be exposed to that?  I drowned in an anesthetic developed through witness to the dismantling of my identity and purpose as an individual of a society.  Why should they deserve to also be in this environment?  But I couldn’t bare for anything to leave…  I couldn’t bear to think that they would leave.  Because despite all the voices I heard from my environment, it didn’t feel as lonely as realizing that there was nothing there to hold me.

Death was a pleasant past time.  I dreamed so fondly of it.  It seemed like bliss, like a beautiful escape.  But I couldn’t take anyone with me.  My dear beloved items, though only possessions, were my family.  I didn’t want to leave them behind.  Many days I fought the urge to break skin or fall through my window or sink into a watery slumber.  But they always pulled me back.  My family I had created preserved enough of me to meet one key person:  M.