Category Archives: With Yourself

Reflections on Change

Over coffee and fries, engrossed in an intense conversation:  “We should be really proud of ourselves.  Right now it is really hard to see our progress because we are still in the middle of changing.”  He nodded in agreement and we sat there basking in our own epiphanies.

Throughout our lives we are bound to change.  Change itself is not a bad thing; I honestly think it is the reason people fall in and out of relationships (both romantic and friendly and in-between).  The changes occur outside the other’s experiences.  We were both exchanging our feelings with changes that we’d been working on for quite some time.  For me, my work involves changing my lifestyle.  I want to lose weight and I want to feel healthy and things of the like.  At the same time I also wanted to work on building a strong emotional and mental foundation.  It is going pretty well.  Since winter of last year I’ve lost 30 lbs almost (hitting 198 really hit me).  I feel a lot better except for right now because I have an infection and am a little sick.  Mentally is a little harder but my thoughts are changing.  I hate myself doesn’t cycle through my head as much.  Things like I’m fat and you are worthless don’t pop up as often.  Emotionally I feel… freer to feel.  That sounds ridiculous but it was not always so.  Two people in the world give me hope and courage to be myself.

Take care of yourself.


Here I Am

This is me. I come to this world so wild and free~

After winging the title that came back to me. Come to think of it, when I was younger I would loop-play Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron in the background. Constantly. The whole movie. And I would sing along the entire way. Great soundtrack!

Anywhoskiwhatsits – I’ve been MIA. For a while. A lot of things have happened since and similarly what happens when I skip out on my journal I have a hazy hash of updates. Some major decision that I’ve made:

– get a car
– get a license
– lose more weight (I went from 198 – 168-ish meow!)
– keep practicing my art skills
– learn more art paths
– DM a full campaign for Dungeons and Dragons
– keep in contact with my friends and family
– be healthy
– be more financially conscious
finish school (one way or another)

Let’s start with one of the biggest ambiguous decisions: school. Many people are enrolled in some form of tertiary education for a myriad of reasons. Bet though that many of us are here because we’ve been pelted with the same thought over and over – you can’t get a job if you don’t have a degree. (And if you don’t have a job, you can’t pay rent, eat, buy that snazzy new game that will have your fingers bleeding, and really life in general just dies. It just explodes and you temporarily cease to exist. Eventually you’ll just slink away into nothingness while your friends habitually comment on your unemployment-ness.) Happiness though, is compromised, by a lack of a degree.  (Which is ridiculous.)  Despite my fears and reservations I have enrolled for Fall semester pursuing a degree in Mass Communications w/ an emphasis in Graphic Communications and a minor in Biology. This was the best compromise for an art degree while keeping rounded and wouldn’t “waste” the credits of biology courses already taken. What led to this were tears, hard talks and painful epiphanies:

All my pain will continue to build until I no longer lumber to surmount them.  Somehow, almost three years later, I find my heart burning while walking near my old dorm hall and through various colleges.  So many things bring me back to unpleasant (understatement) memories.  I have to reconstruct not only my life but my self-image.  This means letting go of all the ideas and dreams I had with my fiance.  That is still so incredibly hard to do.  So I cut my hair, I chose a different major after taking a semester off and nearly failing out of two, establishing a new friend group, and trying so hard to depend on only myself.  Admittedly I am still bitter sometimes.  BUT that is not who I am as a person.  I’m a funny, quirky, adorable and caring person with a sensitive and loyal heart.

In my contemplations uni was one of the least amusing options.  Student loans aren’t fun and the flood of graduates coupled with the rising cost of tuition and textbooks (which are baloney) make me wonder.  Many people are falling out of school and pursuing other options.  What this boils down to is how I feel about one dream that lingers in my heart every waking moment:  to start a family.  Of all the things I long only for that, for that one chance to bear children and raise them.  One of my best friends likes to tease me about it but more importantly he likes to ask my why?  Why do I want kids so bad when the world is such a cold place?  So much time has passed and without even knowing, without his prompting, I finally have the words for the answer:  love.  I want to fill the world with more love.  In some way I hope that having uni will teach me to be a better artists and the social challenges of meeting people, befriending them, maintaining relationships will continue to provide me with valuable insight.  In other ways I hope that my education will benefit me and help me establish a sound environment free from most financial burdens.

Education is important regardless of the source.  Keep learning, keep studying.  Find your dreams and capture them!  Most importantly though love. Fill the world with love so it overflows and people can’t help but see it everywhere they look.

When I’m Sick

When I’m sick, I like to pretend that all the air I breathe out is toxic and poisonous.  Then all the vapors and germs had some sort of mysterious purple form and it always comes out like a dragon sighing, “Paaaaah!”  When I’m sick, I like to pretend every little cough is like an earthquake inside my throat and lungs.  That way the little world I imagined inside me was experience a meltdown every time they failed to protect me from viruses.  Can’t always get it right, you know?  When I’m sick, I like to pretend that every second is my last, even with a minor cold, because the world seems so much prettier when you’re overly dramatic!  Appreciate.  When I’m sick, I like taking every moment I can to sleep or rest it off so I can wake up and pretend I just beat death.  Suddenly, I am on top of the world!  Even if for a few seconds.  When I’m sick, I’ve learned to appreciate all the times that I am kept awake because I’m too restless to sleep due to symptoms.  Because at those times I remember how silly I am and how dedicated I can be to making things.

     What do you do when you’re sick?

In Sickness

It’s funny.  I feel like being real with myself in an attempt to hopefully cure some problems that ail me at this point in my life.  Ails me.  How ironic.

     As I sit here writing I’m currently feeling under the weather and have been for a couple of days now.  At first I experienced some problems with my sinuses which really isn’t that uncommon.  But then my throat starting feeling tender and the next day it hurt.  Though to be honest, coughing tends to irritate your throat if you do it enough.  The day after I spend now trying various things to soothe my aching throat.  Talking came out much harsher and harder than previous days and the first few words spent were on my roommate headed out the door for a job.  I didn’t speak for the rest of the day until after I ordered some pizza online, avoiding the tomato sauce and acidic things, and even then it was more mouthing than anything.  My poor confused delivery boy.  After a few bites and swallows of water I tried to speak some words like “Hello” which was hard to produce.  And I sounded absolutely ridiculous.  So coarse and raw.  I spent the whole day silently laughing to myself.  When my roommate finally came back he came back with our friend.  I was surprised and they spent a good time teasing me which was all in good humor.  It made my day feel less lonely and crummy because there was a laughable quality to it all.

     Then we traveled to Walmart.  I wanted soup.  Hot and Sour because I loved the taste and it was soup.  Our friend also suggested some yogurt to help keep my immune system up (good thing I actually really love the taste of yogurt) and I ran into a former coworker and her husband twice.  Such a beautiful couple!  Happy, healthy and they suggested some lozenges branded Chloraseptic.  Maximum dose!  My throat was killing me.  I wanted to cry at some points while we were there because it hurt so much and there was little else I could do.  I think perhaps I had tried speaking to much when they had arrived. 

     Now that I am back home and chilling on my laptop I think back to the hiring sign I saw at Pizza hut.  It’s not far from where I used to work.  Part of me thinks that I would at least be good at that job but I also fear that I will dismissed because I won’t fit in.  It really gets to me and I need that to stop because it’s interfering with me functioning as a healthy individual.  I mean, I have to pay rent among other things, you know?  This month is covered and if I buy absolutely nothing, I will have more than enough for next month too.  But I need a job.  Part of me thinks back to the post I saw about not staying in a job you hated and that the worst that could happen if you tried something new was failure.  Gosh, that’s not such a good word to hear.  People pick those moments out of you if they want to tear you down too.  Maybe instead of lovely Taco Bell I’ll shoot for Pizza Hut and try to be a decent server. 

     I’m behind on papers, or rather forms, for school as well.  I should really work on that because they keep calling me (which really doesn’t help because I can’t really speak).  I got a good start and realized dude, I know everything for the others.  I just have to print them off and mail them out.  I’ll probably send my high school transcripts with them too because bother, the ones I sent in were a bad copy. 

     All my complaints of the day.  So for now, I will focus on the fact that the person I love is happy at the moment, despite wanting to shake the winter weight I’m feeling rather comfortable with my 182.  There’s something about a little extra poundage that really is helping keeping me warm right now, and fluffy!  And I’m getting back into the habit of writing every day.  Something.  Even if it kind of sucks to hear what I say when I read it back to myself.  Have to keep journaling somehow. 

Chocolate and Good Conversation

Often times the best thing I can do to raise a little happiness in my life is talk to a really good friend.  It doesn’t have to be about anything in particular or serious – it just has to be something we can talk about.  If there were ever a person you need to meet in your life, that would be this kind of person:  the person you can talk about anything with.

Good conversation leaves me feeling elated, emotionally entwined with rational thoughts, beliefs, or possibly even ideals.  It is like taking a deep breath and letting out a good sigh or yawn.  You get a little worked up in the process but in the end, it feels good.  So do it often.  We are social creatures after all.  Treat yourself as if you were a Sim!  (But please, don’t be sadistic!  Taking out pool ladders and refusing to let them go to the bathroom is evil in many ways.)  You have needs and one of them is social.  Now you may not completely climb down into insanity by talking to volleyballs with handprints or weird little puppets (and hopefully a clown doesn’t apparate into existence), but just the same you can feel the effects of not being able to or not connecting with people.

And if there is no one around at the moment, write out an e-mail to reach out and consume lots of chocolate.  Because who doesn’t like chocolate? (Except for obviously the people who… well, don’t.)

Do Not Stand At My Grave

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on the snow,

I am the sunlight on a ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not here; I did not die.

By Mary Frye

I found this poem and was touched by the idea of immortality and the prospect of eternal life.  Do not mourn your loved ones too hard.  Instead, celebrate their memory and let their souls soar.

“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
– Albert Camus

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the effort I have put into my relationships, both romantic and filial (close friends fall under this category).

Today I would like to remember how much progress I’ve made as a person, an individual.  There are many things I can do presently that I could not in the past; for example I am able to hold a conversation with most people, with a little carrot I can make it out on the dance floor and shake the devil off my back, and hugging has been made so much less awkward.  Without the investments I’ve made in my friends and family, I wouldn’t be who I am, because in turn they have also invested in me.

Be thankful for what you have done, and what you have accomplished with others.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving!

Coffee Break: Magic of Counselors

Today was a in part spent talking to Tracy about a myriad of topics – as usual.  I’d like to say I am thankful for the practitioners of mental health, disorder, and illness.  Without the aid of certain counselors I am sure I would have gone bonkers way back when.

((And I am also thankful for phone reminders.  They are a lifesaver.  (Really.)

As I was about to step outside the door for crickets for Sebastian my tiger salamander, my phone beeped.  Up came my counselor’s name and I felt a bit sheepish for forgetting such an important appointment.  So my extremely awesome roommate drove me to the Student Union and the session was on!  My conclusions:

We talked about many things, as usual.  I talked to her about my relationships with my friends and how the guy I have feelings for (we’re beyond crush now!) tried hooking me up with another one of my friends whom I have no attraction to on my birthday.  I even brought it up when he, myself and my roommate went out for a little something to drink.  I simply, “So-and-so aren’t going to work out.  Stop it.”  But then he wanted to know why.  “I don’t want to.”  He’s not my type – he’s not aggressive enough.  I like aggressive people.  Plus having the person you like try to dump you on someone else (although so-and-so would make a good boyfriend) is annoying and just blows in general.  #1:  If someone tells you they don’t want to date another person, 8/10, don’t push it.

This lead to an interesting tangent on being single.  I was told that I will be single forever unless I lower my standards and stop being picky.  #2:  I will lower my standards when…  Actually I won’t.  The few times I have it hasn’t gone well for me.  #3:  I enjoy being picky.  I guess it is hard for him to understand as well because he doesn’t like being lonely.  I’m not sure many people do.  But I don’t feel lonely.  I’m enjoying being alone.  #4:  Being alone can be a good thing!  I’m learning more things about myself and I have more time to enjoy it.  I don’t feel like I am attached to someone else’s schedule or manner of doing things.  #5:  Independence rocks both in and out of relationships!  

This tangent on being single lead to another tangent on getting laid.   So we looked at my roommate who could use a happy ending and this lead to several new conclusions.  #6 Ayinger Oktober Fest-Marzen ( see what people are saying about it there) is really good.  I was a little buzzed after drinking a glass of Magners and hammering through this Ayinger.  #7:  Common sense – you don’t make your best decisions with alcohol.  A slap bet was issued!  It was decided that my roommate and I would race to christen our little apartment.  First one to get laid in the apartment wins and according to Slap Bet Commissioner’s rules the number of slaps (oh, multiple slaps now) is in proportion to time (though I’m not exactly sure in what way) and if he suspects any one of us is trying to let the other person win then there will be consequences.  This leads to #8 and #9, respectively, Slap Bets are ridiculously fun! if and only if You and the other person are competitive if it applies, otherwise you better be betting on an outcome like I bet so-and-so is not going to pass their test tomorrow!  I am extremely competitive.  My roommate?  Not.  At.  All.  In all truth I would like for him to win.

Other than that my relationships with people have been really awesome.  I’m feeling less guilty about cutting out the dead weight in my life and do my best to keep open positive and potentially beneficial partnerships down the road.  #10:  If at any time in your life you are unsure of what to do (like in a relationship) that’s ohk as long as you don’t stay there.  Don’t let people hang and don’t let them wait for extended periods of time.  That’s cruel.  For parents, in my situation, that’s true as well.  I am unsure of what relationship I wish to have with my parents, but at this point in my conversation with Tracy, we’re focusing on my mom who took care of me.  We struggle because we are very different people (who doesn’t have this problem) and value so many different things.   We also struggle for power because our interactions weren’t always of the typical daughter-mother type.  #11:  Don’t be afraid to say what you want even if it hurts someone.  I’m still learning how to do this.  I don’t wish to spend Christmas with them, and I have a lot of non-personal reasons I need to be back before the actual holidays.  #12:  Family exists outside of blood.  She’s my stepmom.  We struggle to communicate all the time.  My biological parents and I don’t have a very good relationship with one another.  They haven’t been there.  That’s ohk.  I’ve friends who are truly more my family than the people who took care of me (sorry mom! [referencing above mentioned Step Mom]).  #13:  You are the biggest factor in determining how you handle your life.  Create your world to suit yourself.  Let go of the toxins and the poisonous influence.

Our last topic was spared a bit on future plans.  Financially it would be smarter for me to stay in my current “city” and save like a mad man and then move out to California.  I’d hate to wait, but this is one of those times that I need to plan it out right.  #14:  Be spontaneous, not rash.  There’s a good difference there.  I simply don’t have the money.  I also would need to secure a job.  Kind of hard when you’re several states away and you work at a local pizza place.  In the meantime, I’m going to allow myself to focus on art.  The last conclusions I came to carried over from last night.  #15:  Keep educating yourself in whatever way possible.  I can’t tell you how much I learn from Stumble Upon, listening to people’s conversations (not as creepy as it sounds!), doing things, playing video games, and reading anything!  Keep yourself stimulated!

And now for the conclusion of this masterfully long post:  #16:  Live your life for you.  It’s yours.  So enjoy it! : 3

“’Single’ is an opportunity to live life on your own terms and not apologize.”

– Mandy Hale

I found out a really good friend of mine may be starting a blog about being single and that’s exciting.  I’m looking for it in the next month.  In the meanwhile, some food for thought:  there are many perks to being single.  And while I sit there and think on it I find that there are many things I appreciate that, while alone, am also thankful.

What say you guys who glimpse this over?